4 Steps To Get Your Man To Step Up In A Relationship (Today Show)

After some downtime in London with family, I’m back in New York and have just shot another segment of ‘The Other View’ on The Today Show. Enjoy!

(Having trouble viewing the video? Try this link instead.)

From the video…

Erika asks, “Is it good to stay friendly with your ex?”

The question to ask yourself here is, ‘who ended it?’

If it was you, staying friends isn’t helping him.

If it was them, staying friends with them isn’t helping you.

That isn’t to say that’s going to be the case forever, but until you’ve reached a point where you can genuinely say things are platonic and you don’t feel anything (and they don’t either), it’s better to keep a distance between you.

Rarely you hear the person being dumped suggesting you stay friends, and so if you were the one to end things be empathetic to the fact they’re deeply hurting and how they likely still feel towards you.

Leah asks, “My fiancé never wants to do anything with me. No matter how many times I try to plan something, he just sits at home being ‘tired from work’. What should I do?”

Any number of issues come down to the way you communicate.

Here are 4 steps to determine whether he’s wrong or right for you…

1) Find the right time

Leah first needs to find an emotionally neutral moment to communicate with him. Don’t wait until he’s next angry and tired for things to blow up, or you’ll get in a heated debate, and he’ll feel forced to defend his position.

2) Empathise with how he feels

When it’s the right time, firstly show you want to empathise and help.

“I know you’re tired from work, I know you’re busy, is there anything I can do?”

3) Show him what you want

Don’t make things about ‘going out’ – make it specifically about going out with him, as that’s going to play to the part of him that’ll make him feel good.

4) Give him a minute to change

After you’ve talked with him, don’t expect him to change overnight. Don’t give him a lifetime to change, but give him a fair chance to step up.

Question of the day:

Is staying friends with an ex ever a good idea? I want to hear success stories from people who have done it.

Who ended things? Who initiated the friendship? How long did it take to ‘cool off’ after the relationship? Let me know in the comments below!

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66 Replies to “4 Steps To Get Your Man To Step Up In A Relationship (Today Show)”

  • Hi Matthew i hope you have a really Nice day.
    But i have one question for you what can you do if your parents get divorce?
    I mean what can you do to handle it better? They Get now relationtherapy but it’s really hard for uss because sometimes i Get so angry for That and than i can’t handle myself i’m Also frustded because i can’t no to talk About it only my twinsister and my older sister and my Mother but they are Also stuck in this routine what can i do??
    My internship Goes good Ok you have boys Who act very childish it’s very iriteded sometimes and they think more with there underside if you know what i mean -____- Luckly i think more with my brains haha :P
    Have a Nice day Matthew lovely Greetz Thirza

    1. Eventhough I´m not Matt I´ll try to help you a bit. Having parents that are divorcing is hard for everyone that is in that position. To pass through this you have to remember some very important things that sometimes are forgotten and shouldn´t be:
      1. You are not guilty that your parents are divorcing. So don´t ever blame yourself for the problems they have as a couple.
      2. Divorced or not they both are going to love you a lot and this will never change.
      3. Maybe they don´t divorce at the end but if they do, remember than sometimes beeing alone is a good way to finding the path of the happiness. It would be hard for both of them but, if they learn from their mistakes, they will find a way to smile again.
      4. Give them all your love an support and take care of yourself too. Your are a strong lady and you will ger over this with time.

      All my best wishes for you!

  • hi matt, I think there are some important variables in whether people can, or should , be friends after a break up.

    if one person was violent, then friendship…..no matter how many years have passed, is never the best idea.

    that said its also important to distinquish being friendly if you bump into each other from being friends who elect to socialise with just each other, and even rely on each other in supportive ways. in the right circumstances, and with the right people, genuine friendship can be achieved post break up. but two huge factors in that achievement are a)the maturity level of both individuals and b)the reason for the breakup.

    if, for instance, the breakup happened because one person was caught having or having had an affair then its unlikely to lead to a friendship at any point. but….if it was a “we had a great time but this just isn’t what is going to work for me in the long term” type of break up then the chances are higher a friendship can happen.

    p.s. i’m still waiting on my ktg boxset ;( who can I contact about this?

  • I have stayed friends with my ex-bf and to this day we’re best friends because I have and can open up and talk to him about anything. He broke up with me and said he still wanted to be friends. I thought ‘yeah, ok,’ but still distanced myself from him so I could breathe and clear my head and let my emotions wind down. I don’t remember how long it took since I was emotionally unstable. However, we didn’t just decide to be friends immediately after the break up. It’s taken so many arguments and communication for us to be on even ground.

  • I dated this guy, he decided to end things and it wasn’t the best of endings. We both were pretty immature back then so that didn’t make things easier.. We tried to be “just friends” but it never worked out, it always ended with one of us denying feelings and that caused a lot of frustration between the two of us. It was two years before we both could talk to each other peacefully, partly because I still had feelings for him the whole time and I’m sure there were some burried feelings on his side because he would always check in with me. We aren’t the best of friends, more like acquaintances but we go for tea and catch up with each other every once in a while, and we can talk without pissing each other off. I don’t think friendship is possible when ending a relationship but I do think a mutual agreement and generally still caring for one another is possible.

  • Must be nice to have everything fall into your path when you are a man. A woman could not be as fluid nor would a woman have significant success like this in almost any field!!!

    The rest of us do not live that kinda of life, Matthew! I do not think you even understand that — not any more.

    1. Your videos make me feel very hopeless. My talent will never be fruitful like this bc my talent does not have a place on TV. None of this will ever happen to me. This makes me feel incredibly down and depressed. VERY depressed.

      — not that you or any one else would care.

      1. I care!!!
        I don’t know what has you so crestfallen, however I will say that it did bother me, and not for the fact that you got angry with Matt,but for the fact that you seem to feel your talents are useless because they have no place on TV and that you feel because you are a woman you will not succeed as much as a man might.
        Sure Matt is extremely successful, in our eyes, and I’m sure he has sacrificed a lot to get where he is at, though maybe he might not think this way, perhaps he may feel he could do more. I don’t know. What I do know however that sometimes what we see as successful others may view as mediocrity.
        Whatever your talents are I am sure they are wonderful and it does not matter if it gets you airtime on some TV station, what does matter to me is that you live up to them.
        I’m writing a book, sure there is a chance that no one will ever read it, it may not make the best sellers list, but this is alright by me because I’m still going to write it.
        I am a writer. This is my talent.
        Please, don’t be so hard on you. (((hugs)))

        1. OMG – Kathleen!
          Getting upset bc some other girl (who you do not know) is upset with some other guy (who you do not know) is childish! Really. Matthew does not even know you or her or really anyone on this blog. This is a blog by Matthew to ensure business promotion. There is nothing here about him caring about anyone. He cares about his business, his brand, and the bottom line. Think about that and you will see why both your actions and those of Carry were childish.

          1. It´s childish to be upset because someone is on TV and is successful and be depressed because of that.

            It´s childish to be upset because someone you don´t know is upset that someone this other person doesn´t know is successful.

            It´s childish to be upset because some is upset because someone you don´t know is upset that someone this other person doesn´t know is successful because this successful person only thinks in his brand in the opinion of this third person.

            So, to summarize, everybody it´s beeing childish? No one is beeing childish? Childish is beeing childish? Oh, I have no idea…

          2. Lexi,

            Did you just call Matt Hussey shallow and out of touch because he is building his business? This part of it… this blog… doesn’t sell his brand. This is Matt being in touch. He doesn’t have to do this. He has a thousand other elements in place. If you think Matt is a paper cut out—why invest in his prattle by reading his blogs… inquiring minds want to know.

          3. Dear Lexi ,
            Matthew Hussey does read comments when he has time . and I comment on his blogs to share everyone my experiences and my thoughts in life , so we can help each other .
            ” There is nothing here about him caring about anyone ”
            if it’s true then why does he bother his self to make amazing videos about LIFE and share them with us every week .

            ” This is a blog by Matthew to ensure business promotion ”
            ” He cares about his business, his brand ”
            he has to ensure his business promotion ,and he has to care about his business and his brand . do you why , so he can reach to everyone and help them in their lives.
            that’s why I call him HERO

          4. Omg- Lexi!

            I see that you just criticized Kathleen for something you just did yourself. that would make you a hypocrite, or something else. Kathleen, at least, handled it with grace and kindness, where are you are only sounding bitter and self righteous. Maybe you should take a deep breath before you get so worked up about what somebody else is saying. And normally I wouldn’t have even commented, but because of your hilarious jab about her and then doing the same thing…it was totally worth 30 seconds of my time. Also, whether Matt responds or doesnt on the boards, I think it’s more about the Sisterhood of finding answers together through what Matt has taught us. Grow up sister….

        2. lovely Kathleen,
          what an amazing lady your are Kathleen . I’m so proud of you ,coz you have a big heart and you won’t give up of writing no matter what . again you’re an amazing lady :D

          1. wow EVERYONE here has such free time on their hands with multiple comments and random ones and is bored eh? same here. strange ppl here today, one is self loathing and another is trying to console this self loathing character (real or fake) who knows, and some rambling on and on about being childish , hilarious

      2. Carry,

        Don’t base your worth on others. DON’T BASE YOUR WORTH ON OTHERS. Everyone is unique. Every day you wake up is a fresh slate to be you and only you. Look in the mirror not at everyone else. You are unique with your own talents. Only you can do what you do. I hope that helps. I don’t think it’s childish to empathize with other’s pain. It makes us human whether we know each other or not.

      3. I care too , my dear two things I don’t believe in
        1 -Luck
        2 -Coincidence
        so being successful depends on you . you have to work on how to be a successful person rather than focusing on the others success . coz everyone is different . even if they have the same experiences , coz your way of thinking is different than mine . what I’m trying to say is you have a brain and that’s a gift .so use it . search for (confidence , yourself , your goals , communication , motivation , using your time in the best way ……etc) if you focus on these your life will be amazing .

  • It was first time when I’ve come to US when I heard that people stay friends after a breakup. I thought it was insane because one of two will always have feelings for the other so. In my case, usually I leave finding that I am not ready for a relationship or haven’t found him yet, but there was one break up when he initiated it. I was shocked. . . he was chasing me so hard telling me he wants to be with me forever, but because I was too tired with the work and school and being in a different country, he assumed I am not just into him. I just wanted run away and never see him again. I’ve always trusted people and learn to never hurt, but this time I was hurt. This guy had a depression and almost all guys I dated had some disorders. I started going down the drain feeling that I might be falling into depression as well now for the first time. I blame myself for everything and I prayed for the wellbeing of that person. I wonder if it’s normal that when things starting getting wetter they starting getting worse? Ahh “old things done away, and all become new” :) So, that’s my thought!

    1. well, he really tried (I know, I know I shouldn’t say that) but it was my fault. So yea, it takes a while to “cool off.”
      It’s just so hard to find love when you are trying to save humanity at the same time :) But I think we should focus on ourselves first and our real desires, then serve others through our talents and gifts. because if we are not happy what can we give to the world?

  • Hi Mathhew,

    can you please do a video on how to get a man to step up in various different ways without sounded needy but assertive?

    a.k.a- how to communicate more effectively during long distance?

    At which point, is it okay to be demanding more?

    I am exclusive with this guy after 3 months of dating and things are GOING GOOD. I mean he’s been consistent with actions, but I want him to do a bit more.

    I want GREAT. Not just good.

    I know I’m not perfect but How do I take the wheel a bit to get us to be at that point?

    Thanks a lot Matthew, your advice is gold! :)

      1. Yeah i would agree doing a video on how to let you’re guy know u want him to step up and make more effort to be romantic and try harder in the relationship without comng across needy would be SOOO HELPFUL! :D
        My boyfriend is beinning to get abit dull as he doesnt seem to put much effortinto convorsation or doing things together anymore and i dont know how to communicate how it isnt what i expect in a reltionship without sounding needy or like im trying to hange him :/

  • Hey matt
    Today I saw someone who looked like I was so shocked but you are more handsome for sure btw I love your videos and thank you for sharing them :)

  • I have a couple of exes I’m in touch with, through FB.

    One is actually a life coach in America. But, we only got in touch again when we were both getting divorced and provided mutual support for one another. Now he’s gotten remarried (to his HS sweetheart), so the contact is minimal. I think his partner is more of a jealous type than mine.

    I would definitely say that the contact we had 7 years ago was a huge help to both of getting through divorce crises.


  • Great advice but your clothes look out of fashion. I think you should ditch the tie, waistcoat, suit. It makes you look out of touch? How about more fashionable clothes. Or does the US audience really dig that? Xx

    1. HIS CLOTHES are SHARP and dressy looking on him. Why does everyone want him \to wear his pants at his knees or something casual. Let the man SUIT UP

      1. You don´t have to writte in CAPITAL LETTERS to us to understand your comment. I think it´s great that he suit up. The only thing I´m saying is that in other times he has done it and I liked it more that this time.

  • These women are the most annoying to watch; waste of time, completely. Arrogant and nothing useful to say, ever. I’ll catch your videos where these ladies aren’t involved. I can definitely make better use of my time. You’re great and thanks for all your advice.

      1. I THINK, you and KOOKY would be the only ones to say that. these women are pathetic, and more condescending vs funny by referring to Matthew or others on the show as “children” maybe cz they feel they are 60 yrs old and look it (you should see the drunk version on the today show when kathy was drinking and behaving dysfunctionally.

        1. But I find no offence in Matthew be called “child”. In fact he is 26 years old and they are more or less 60 years old. For them he could be their grandson.

          1. Yaa… sure if he was 26 and the only one called child except they called this OTHER woman who’s an editor of some magazine with glasses who is probably 50 and looks 60 also ” CHILDREN” so called ppl half your age and close to ur age child isn’t endearing and wasn’t meant to sound it. It was for being cocky condescending ill mannered and attempting to be humurous for lack of confidence in themselves. which they show none

  • If it´s with a fuckbuddy it´s easy to stay friends as long as no one have felt anything deeper than… ¿fuckbudderism? But with boyfriends its only possible in a loooong time before the break up.

  • thank you for this video hero .
    Is staying friends with an ex ever a good idea ? well i thought it was a good idea coz I don’t have feelings to him till i realize that he still has feeling to me ,so in my case it’s not a good idea .coz staying friends isn’t helping him . the last time i chatted with him he had a girlfriend . few days he broke up with her coz he knew that i’m single . he compares every girl he meets with me . and that’s wrong ,coz I’m different than any girl . I’m Kooky .
    Who ended things? me coz he’s a nervous person .imagine what he can do :(
    Who initiated the friendship? him .
    ” Rarely you hear the person being dumped suggesting you stay friends ” well that what happened to me . all the rare things is in my life (crazy family ,crazy relationship ,crazy life ).

    did you know now why i call myself Kooky :D :D .


  • Hello Matt,

    Yes after 15 years I am still friends with my ex and his new wife. I think I am a minority right. I think it has a lot to do with who dumped who and the fact I absolutely adore his family and love his mom and dad like they were my own. I think they respect me more than my ex LOL. I do it for my son most of all and just because I am a nice happy person lovin life. I don’t want any drama or negative vibes in my life.
    There you go life is to short to be negative and spiteful


  • What if you always see eachother at work & where you live and he can help you in your work sometimes too? Its kind of awkward not being freinds on the other hand its awkward dating someone else! Its hard to stop being emotional too, especially when Im alone, eventhough Ive been the one who ended the relationship, what do you recommend?

  • I´m friends-ish with my ex. We talk every now and then and send e-mails. It´s not frequent, but we catch up with each other´s lives. There was not a break up moment per se, he just started dodging me, making excuses not to see me, so I stopped calling him and that was it. We had been dating for 3 to 4 months. I got very angry at first and tried to vanquish him off my live entirely. Didn´t succeed. Anger started fading away about an year later. Eventually he apologized to me. I´m with someone else now for 7 years. My ex is married with 3 children. But I still have feelings for my ex. I will always have feelings for him, even though I know now he could never be the right man for me. That´s just what it is.

  • Well, i have Been friends with my ex for like two years now. We shared a relationship for 2 years and a half but things weren’t going well so we decided to break up. It took us around 6 months to cool things off, but now we talk every now and then and constantly catch up, I even give him advices about his relationships and he does the same…I think the deal breaker about being or not able to be friends with your ex, remains in how did the relationship ended.

  • Dear Matt,

    Thankyou so much & feel grate that u stand for me as a good friend and sending mail persistently.
    Now, I am facing this situation for me 6 year.Still trying to be a friend.We r making new agreement to be”trying to change our bad habit”again .This time he start to ask me what r the things i want him to change.I said him some points to TRY to change. However i did not trust him he can be able to change.I lost my trust.so sad…
    One thing i m sure i don’t want to hurt him.
    I want to give up…so..very sad.

    Best regards,

  • I lived with my ex for 2 yrs, but we fought like brother/sister and realized we made better friends. The breakup was sad at first, but we were mutually platonic best friends for 17 yrs after our split. We both seriously dated others and all hung out together, which I think is key to include your new bf/gf. Unfortunately, our friendship ended once he started dating a girl who’d previously dated another friend of mine for 3 yrs (I never dated him). She was jealous of my friendships with both men and somehow convinced my ex to hate me. They’ve been together for 3.5 yrs now and I see them often at concerts, but he won’t speak to me. I miss him, but not in a romantic way. So, I think it’s possible to be friends with an ex if it’s a mutual split and the new partners can handle it.

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