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1 Simple Mindset For A Great Social Life

It’s late Friday evening, your friends are calling to invite you out, but you can’t muster the energy to go…

The couch and blanket look all too enticing, and the idea of getting ready and going out to socialise overwhelms you.

If this is a pattern you regularly find yourself trapped in, today I have something to help.

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62 Replies to “1 Simple Mindset For A Great Social Life”

  • Hey Matthew,

    Just got in 1:28am from Halloween Party #2. And no, I didn’t wear a sexy outfit. I was Daenarys Targaryen and I was mostly covered. But I spent most of my time with guys. It was fun! I just used the attitude I had learned from you from last Christmas. Accept every invitation! I’m going to four Halloween parties with two different costumes because I LOVE Halloween.

    I don’t like parties. I was tired and it started late. I was hungry. I’m still tired. Maybe more tired. Still hungry. But I had such a fun time! And I’ve let go completely of meeting a guy at these things. I just genuinely had fun dressing up and meeting people. I don’t know why I met more men tonight. Hmm.

    One tip that I didn’t learn until the cute guys I was interested went home: If you want to approach a guy on Halloween, just ask him to take a picture of you in your costume. If you don’t know him, hand him your camera/phone. If you’ve spoken with him a bit during the evening, take the pic together and tell him you don’t have your phone and to e-mail you the pic.

    Boom he has your e-mail. Ball’s in his court. :-) And it’s so natural because you’re in costume. It’s not even flirting, because your phone is in the coat check or you forgot it. But of course you *need* picture of your costume. ;-)

    I learn from you and Jameson, Matthew!


    1. brilliant idea A – fantastic vid Matt – my mum would push my sister out the door with the line – “you’ll enjoy it once you get there” – it seemed to make her want to go less but I’d blackmail her with a promise of some future sewing or whatever and be tearing out the door like a dog off the leash :) – now’s my time to start doing all that again but on my own :) Thank you for all your priceless inspiration and your sunny, uplifting vids – they make me feel there are many sweet men still alive :D

      1. Thanks, Clever! I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I took several pics with two different guys and gave them my e-mail address to mail them to me. And they smiled at me the rest of the night like I’d given them my phone number!

        At the very least you get some cool pics!

  • Social anxiety doesn’t work that way.
    I don’t stay home because I don’t want to go. I stay home because going out feels miserable. And I would be ok with it. If I didn’t HAVE to go out. I’d be quite happy to never leave my house, ever.

    1. I suffer from social anxiety also and I feel I’m in the same boat as you. To illustrate this, i literally fled home from work on Friday as soon as the clock stuck 5pm and I haven’t left home since. It’s after 3pm on sunday and I’m already starting to tense up at the thought of having to leave the house to go to work tomorrow. It not like I don’t have places to go to, but i’ve chosen to stay in cos its so much easier right here in my comfort zone.

      I guess where we differ is that what i’ve taken from this is – even if the next time i get an invitation out or an opportunity to socialise; even if all I can bring myself to do is get dressed, arrive at the venue, and walk through the door before freaking out and turning right back around and running home, i still would have won because i’d have made a choice to stop letting life dictate my circumstances, but taking back control even if just for a nano second

      1. William James was a Harvard psychologist who said that actions dictate emotions. Act as if you’re a social person and you will feel like one. All psychology experiments prove him correct. Act as if you are good with people and you start to feel it is true. Smile and act as if you’re happy and you will feel happy. Isn’t this great? And so easy.

  • I was recently told my friends dad (he is 88 bless him), that ‘I have to meet the world half way’. It gave me a kick up the backside and I am accepting more invitations.

    I spent last night at the Savoy for a 1920’s dinner and dance and had a great time, certainly beat pizza for one and the X factor :-)

  • Matthew, this is one of my biggest problems that prevents me from going out.
    I don’t have a car and I always rely on other people to drive me home.
    The problem is my friends love to stay out very late and I have insomnia issues so I need to have regular sleep schedules.
    I have to go home early if I want to be able to get some sleep.
    If I don’t take care of myself, I’m going to have a burn-out.
    What should I do in this particular situation?

      1. Thanks for you answer Matthew.
        I was also thinking about trying the taxi when there is no more buses circulating.

  • While at a party and chatting with a new friend, she said she would make herself stay for 30 minutes. I suggested that there might be another option. She could have fun. She stared at me blankly and said that she never considered that possibility. We did a bit of a pinky swear and went our separate ways. The next week she was telling everyone how brilliant I am. Once she had that one line, you could have fun, it open up that possibility to her. She found herself dancing for the first time in years, not caring what anyone was thinking about her, just focusing on enjoying herself and others.

  • Great content but PLEASE stop moving the camera around, it’s annoying. The only two positions we want are: Matthew face on to us (pref full bodied), and a close up of Matthew’s face, not from the side, but full on to us. That’s it.

  • I can’t help but think of this hilarious moment a couple of years back, when a friend advised me to go to a week long seminar, a seminar that seemed interesting and was being held in the middle of nowhere in the Loir-et-Cher (France). There were no buses, no train stations nearby, nothing. To get there I had to take a train. And a bus was waiting for those (like me) who hadn’t driven over.

    Anyway, two days in, I realize this is a complete nightmare. The lectures are boring, there are no activities, people aren’t that much unfriendly etc. And I realize, there is no way in hell, I am going to spend a whole week there. The problem was we were only 20, and like I said, I would have had to ask for a ride if I wanted to leave. And I really wasn’t in any mood to justify myself or anything, I just wanted out. I wanted to go home.

    So during lunch the following day, I packed my suitcase and I just walked out…. In the middle of the countryside. I can still picture myself in my heels, dragging my suitcase in the mud, having abolutly no clue as to where I was going.

    I must’ve walked an hour or more before eventually meeting someone on the road who gave me directions to the nearest train station.

    It was a couple years back, but I distinctly remember what a feeling it was when buying my ticket back to Paris, back home, and texting the organizer that Sorry, I had left.

    I can always go back home, even if I have to walk forever in the mud….

  • This is great advise. What makes it a bit more challenging is the effort it takes to get ready to go out. Hair, makeup, etc. it adds another roadblock.

    1. Hi Tess

      I know how you feel my friends are all married as well. I’ve joined a group called spice there are loads of activities & I’ve met some really lovely ladies to go drinking with.

      1. Hi Tess and Essie,
        You may feel uncomfortable being alone when you go out, yet, it provides an incredible opportunity to meet men.
        I’ve done it many times. Take deep belly breaths… look happy, fun and confident. No one knows that you may feel uncomfortable.

      2. Matt I do this often, but have the same experience.
        I did this once at the city carneval… I did meet new people, but people where always asking me where my friends were and gave me mercy permission to be with them so “I didn’t have to be alone” as they said. I was seen as a loser/someone without friends and experienced joining them as being babysitted. I’m trying to build a life and escape the no-friends-loser-lable I had in my home town and start fresh, and took this opportunity to do so, but the moment of meeting people they give me the questions followed by label and I feel ashamed and stuck. i feel like we always have to attract new into our life by showing that we already have it, get a boyfrind by showing you have friends. How do you start fresh and not always be asked who you have? People let me be with them, but it feels like being mercy babysitted – i apreciate that to – but it doesn’t feel like people see this moment as meeting someone new, as them having room for a new friend – just a momentary sit-by.

        1. I am NOT Matthew with his exceptional advice. However, I have gone out many, many times alone and that question always does crop up. Who did you come with/where are your friends/you came alone????!!!! And yes, it did make me feel more self conscious. However, it also takes courage to do that. And perhaps they are amazed because they may realize they don’t have the courage to do that. But, it’s not about them. It’s about you. Be proud and feel confident that you have the courage to do this. ‘Fake it until you make it’ is a wonderful saying that applies here. Act and then eventually feel happy, fun, flirty and confident. And you get to practice talking to all sorts of people so that when you find someone attractive; you will be polished. Per Matthew’s statement above, your opportunity to meet more men is abundant when you are alone!!! The people that are kind to you to let you hang out with you can become your ‘home base’ as you venture ou when you see someone interesting to speak to.

        2. Vavavoom, I’d like to give you my five cents if you don’t mind. I have traveled alone to many countries and cities. I can’t find a like-minded friend to go with. They are either married with kids or they want to go with their boyfriends/girlfriends or they don’t want to go explore different places. That is fine. But I love exploring and I am not going to change who I am just because I can’t find someone to go with.

          Just think about this: You live once. Today 10/28/2014. There won’t be any 10/28/2014 again. If you want to do something, do it. Don’t let anyone’s judgement stop you. Trust me, people don’t think too much. They might show you momentary sympathy but they really don’t give a sh*t. Drink a glass of wine at home before you go. It will make you relax. Also remember when you go out, the more dressed up you are the more self-conscious you will be. So be elegantly casual.

          You can’t do everything alone. I don’t like going to the movies alone, for example. But a pub, a coffee-shop, sightseeing. Sure. I never made friends with people I met in night-clubs. Casual pubs are the places you meet the best people, in my opinion. It is a laid-back environment and trust me, after a couple of drinks nobody remembers you came alone. haha! Oh and you don’t want to get drunk. It is very important. Good luck!

  • Lovely tip from this mystery woman’s mother lol. I’ve actually learned to enjoy going out more as a result of watching your vids- it’s changed my entire perspective on socializing :). I used to think it was a complete and utter waste of time to go out and a drag but now I know I can make it work to my benefit and even like it lol! Yay!! This video illustrates just how much freedom we have over ourselves and puts us in control- which makes it easier for us to take action-the most important step! And a lot of people only take action when the edge is taken off, including me lol. Thanks for dedicating your life/time to helping others. So many people have a whole new world now because of your decision to be an amazing coach! The ripple effect of Matthew Hussey…I’m telling you what! #WoW Thanks Matt!

      1. My mum used to tell me to say yes to every invite or people will stop inviting me. Another line of her’s – when I’d report back on a wasted evening out – was that if I hadn’t gone I might always wonder if I’d missed something good. My mum was a glass half-full person but I take after my dad….!

  • So you are alone with Jameson in a hotel room. And you have a video camera. oh la la… :-P we need more behind the scenes videos. hehehe

    Anyways, once I read this suggestion in a psychology book: “Wherever and however you met your most favorite people, do that more often.”

    I met my most favorite people in the bars. When I first came to Chicago, I walked into an Irish bar in downtown, sat at the bar, ordered a beer and chicken wings. I was watching hockey. A guy came in and sat next to me at the bar. He ordered a beer. I can read through people well. It is a gift really. As soon as I saw him I knew that he was the kind of person I could talk to. So I did. He was moving to Chicago and looking for an apartment. So was I. What a coincidence. This was 6 years ago. He has been one of my best friends since then. I never had any attraction for him and I never will. We hold a quality friendship. We don’t hang out too often but whenever I need something or he needs something we help each other out.

    This happened to me many times in different cities and countries. Some people faded away but some are still around as life-time friends.

    I keep saying friends, because people underestimate the power of having like-minded friends around. I don’t think we should see every guy or girl we meet as a potential relationship material. That special guy should give you something that you can’t already do on your own or with a couple of friends. It shouldn’t be about replacing a dildo. Besides, hanging out with male friends give you the insights to a male mind in person. If you use that info to your advantage, you can become a catch. (Btw, I don’t mean to sound like an expert or know it all. Just adding some humble opinions on your discussion. Hands down you are the expert, Matt)

    All the best,
    Kiraz xxx

    1. Great quote Kiraz! And a great story!! You’re exactly right when it comes to going out and meeting people. Not everyone has to be a potential partner and if we all look at people just as a friend, it takes tons of pressure off. Thanks for sharing! xx

      1. Thank you, Matthew. Friendship should be the core of a relationship anyway, right? Right. I see it like the seed in the middle of a fruit. If the seed is not there, there is no fruit.

        You can just do the casual activities together that you do with your other friends but at the end of the day he/she listen to you and understand you like no one else in the world. No matter how many people you talk to in a day, he/she should make you feel like there is someone who will always understand you better. Everything else (sex, romance etc.) comes after that, not before. That is how I operate. And if the guy acts like he doesn’t care to understand me, I say “sorry if you can’t get into my mind, you can’t get in anywhere.” (I am blunt like that.ha!)

        John Lennon always referred to his wife as “my best friend”.

        Hope you have a fantastic week! xxx

        1. correction: No matter how many people you talk to in a day, he/she should make you feel like you know there is someone who will always understand you better and that is him/her.

          sorry. It was a long day. :)

  • hey there! thank you for the lovely articles and videos you put up. I have a question though- I’m a university student in London and am at the moment finding it really hard to be social while at the same time cutting down my expenditure. My close friends are definitely down to chill at my place and watch a movie so we can save money on a night out. But how do I meet new people if I can’t really afford to spend money on bars and clubs at the moment? thanks so much for advice matt! You give amazing advice that applies to so many different types of women and I love that! xx

  • Please don’t be annoyed with me; this is off subject. Your advice; I’m not sure if it’s from the book or Your Program, but the ‘high value’ concept works!!!!! I didn’t know what to do when this man I had made plans with for Sunday called late Sat. p.m. to confirm Sunday’s art museum plans. Not feeling well and already making plans for the following week; I didn’t want to go out Sunday with him. Even at 57; I got confused as to what to do when he left a voice mail. Matthew’s advice to the rescue: I very sweetly told him since I heard from him so late in the day; that I already made other plans for Sunday…which is the truth. (I needed to sleep and relax) (I know he’s very busy with a business he just bought). He stated that was the reason he called so late and informed me that I don’t have text. “I told him I thought that may be the reason, but I also made plans for the following week, but I’d love to make definite plans for the week after. I’m completely open and would love to see him.” We went ahead and made the plans. And I heard in his voice that he knew he called late and can’t take advantage of me because he is working 24/7. I gained RESPECT and showed him how I want to be treated and was sweet about it. WOW; Matthew….you advice is WORKS!!!! Thank you so very much for all that you!!!!

  • My ex-secondary teacher always asks, “So what’s your excuse for not doing homework?”

    And he’ll politely interject before you begin, “If I gave you a million dollars to do it– you might need to ring your friend for help, walk the dog in the morning, stay up until 1am– whatever, you’d break your back trying but… you would do it. It’s simply because you didn’t want to.”

    Another wise man also said, “You can either have your excuses or have your guy, but you can’t have both.”

    Similar principles. Maybe we had the same teacher ;)

    1. I completely agree with you Paloma!

      It’s sad to realise we are the ones who get in our own way and decide to limit our own capabilities… I’ve just watched a video of a young girl playing the piano beautifully but when they zoom in on her right hand, she has clearly had a problem with her hand!
      Also, take Stephen Hawking… Has he let his illness limit him? No!! He was given 2 years to live when first diagnosed with ALS…60 years later, he’s one of the most important scientists of our time!
      We are the only ones who limit what we can or can’t do… Most of the time the reason is fear. Fear of rejection. But you know what people? There’s no such thing as rejection, only feedback – means there’s always a lesson in there somewhere.
      Have a great weekend everyone!
      Go create beautiful experiences!!

    2. I actually read your post the other way around, at first. If you don’t like going out on your own, pretend you have homework to do, or focus on other tasks that you keep putting on the back burner and find an excuse not to do it by going out, so fooling yourself into going out on your own. Was a thought around about other Matt Hussey vids about dating where each date is like a rehearsal, so getting in a mindset to relieve the tension and create healthy outlook towards dating.

  • What about when no one invites you out and when you invite others out they turn you down or back out at the last minute? Not the type to go out alone.

    1. Use MeetUp.com to expand your social circle. I’m not sure if it works worldwide, but I find it invaluable and don’t know how I survived before I found it!

  • I have ME (long-term medical condition that causes extreme exhaustion, among other things). Usually, by the end of the day or at the weekend, I have very little energy to go out, be sociable and meet new people. This is not something that will change overnight as there is no indication of how long this particular bout of ME will last. I have tried online dating (I wasn’t keen to to but felt I had to put myself out there in some way), with no success. There is nobody at my church who is available who I like in that way. Most friends of friends are settled down as we’re that sort of age (late 20s). What am I supposed to do?!

    1. I don’t have an answer to your question, I just want to offer some sympathy. My daughter has ME and I know how horrible it is. She’s been ill since she was 14. She has all the normal teenage anxieties about social acceptance coupled with being in pain and coping with friends who don’t always understand her limitations. I wish you well, I know how hard it is.

    2. I have it as well (have since I was 18, I am 40 now). I wish I could offer advice! Personally, 6 years ago I stopped working stressful office jobs, moved in with my mom to alleviate some financial burdens and now work from home at a pace I can handle. I take various vitamins/supplements daily. I gradually increased my activity level. Sometimes I go beyond my energy envelope and have to rest though. I am also introverted so a lot of his tips are not helpful to me either, but overall I think he has good advice, but for someone with chronic illness, it is very very hard to meet someone.

    3. I have the same problem – and my roommate does too! So you’re not alone. I try to do what I can…I go out once a week or once every two weeks. I make it a priority to take care of myself and my health because I know how important it is to get out. Add to that I’m a raging extrovert so it’s really killing me to not have a lot of social time. Hope that helps and know that there’s a bunch of us out there!

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