Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
Hey there!
I’d say that the deal breakers above are more than enough and asking for more is just a way of complicating things.
Although I would add ONE more that I find quite important: negativity. I was with a guy not long ago and I have to say that, although I understand that we may have our down moments or we may be picky in some aspects, his pessimism was surely a major turn off for me :S.
Otherwise I’d say that a deal breaker I had a while back was and that I’m proud to have gotten ridden of is baldness haha (I know really evil sorry! But hey, I learned my lesson when I fell in love with a bald man so all cool ;P)
Aside from that I can’t really think of anything else.
Thanks once more for a great post and keep up the great work! Happy 2013!
Hi Randa,
Thanks for commenting. I have to agree with the negative deal breaker. Having that in your life is too much strain.
x
My deal breaker is when i man doesn’t buy me anything for my birthday.
Hi Mat!
I agree with that list of deal breakers.
I think the one thing that I just can’t put up with is close-mindedness or a negative mindset.
I don’t have any silly unrealistic ones for you. If I think of something, I’ll get back to you! Lol.
Thanks for sharing, Mary! x
all the deal breakers are a must to keep.
Although i can let go rudeness at some point…
Ok, my last boyfriend had 6 of these traits. Wonderful. I am still in love with him a little, because to balance out those bad traits he was kind hearted and so sweet and sexy. I think it shows that I had low self esteem because still not over him!Help!
Well, he must be a strong Christian active in his faith.
A smoker is a deal breaker for me.
Dealbreakers: Still in love with last GF or Ex, or the idealized ghost of last GF or Ex.
Smoker
Hi Krissy,
Those are great ones! Thanks for sharing.
x
The deal breaker that must stand, is that he is a Christian who is on fire for the things of God. I guess my desire for a certain accent is not so cruical in the grand scheme of things and could fall by the way side, along with loving cricket. The superficial things are not imperative but living by the same principles and with the same end goal is crucial.
Hey Matt!!!
Yeah, like Mary I don’t have any detailed dealbreakers outside of the ones I just read above but I have been single for a looooooong while and sometimes wonder if I am unrealistic about what I am looking for in a man. I have a lot of guy friends though, and it seems like a LOT of women let men get away with a LOT to where chivalry and fidelity might be on their deathbed lol. I’ve always felt like men will treat women how women let them so I don’t think men are “dogs” AT ALL, but could it be true that women have lowered their standards? Or am I just extremely picky and in denial about it? Who knows but I refuse to settle for now cause I’m preeeeeetty sure my list is reasonable. Ladies please know your worth.
P.S: Thank you so much for everything Matt! I won’t stop reading until I figure out why I’m still single!!!! Lol
Selfish, aggressive/violent, and manipulative are high on my list. There is simply no room in my life for anyone who thinks his needs/desires come before all others, his problem-solving method-of-choice would endanger my health and safety, or I am signing up to be the victim of a control-freak.
So, a deal breaker that I will be keeping in my life has to be close minded guys and liars. And for the deal breaker I’m willing to let go.. . well i’m pretty much a very realistic girl. I’ve dated guys with kids, guys who are shorter then me, guys who don’t have a degree. So, what I’m trying to say is that my deal breakers are acceptable.
smoking would be a deal breaker for me.. and as for one im willing to bend, it would be religion.. I come for an Asian country so religion is considered an important thing.. but im willing to overlook this.. =)
Hi Odarya,
That’s is a really hard thing to be flexible on. I commend you for trying!
x
Inteligence and goodness of spirit is something that I will always ask in a men. The rest is more or less secondary…
see that is how I feel, but then I got fucked over.
Oh, I´m sorry to hear that! And I hope it doesn´t happen to me…
HI,
I like those one. Thanks for sharing!
x
Hi Matt
I cant put up with a liar, a non positive view , no sense of humour ungenerous, narrow minded with power in the first row
He has to have a good hearth and believe in God.
Luisa
I normally would have said smoking was a huge deal breaker for me and never would have given a smoker the chance, but I have met the most AMAZING man and he is a smoker. When I told him I couldn’t be around someone who smokes he immediately started the process with trying to quit – he is on medication to help and I give him as much support as I can because I appreciate the effort he is making so he can be with me!
Hi Penny,
That’s fantastic; good luck to him!
x
Hi Matt! Those deal breakers are also deal breakers for me but I think most of them applies to people I let in my life, which means I wouldn’t have a racist friend, etc.
A deal breaker that would apply specifically to a guy is that he wouldn’t be a smoker. I wouldn’t be able to stand the smell.
A “deal breaker” that i can let go of is that he wears a cap. I usually hate guys who wear baseball caps as I think it says a lot about the personality, but I guess I can wait and see the person beyond that :)
Hi Ste,
I think that’s a really great one! Thanks for sharing.
x
Hi matt!
I dated a guy for 6months, we were like a couple, but we never made it official or talked about having a serious relationship. After the summer he moved to another country as an exchange student. We talked on Skype and Facebook after that. I suggested to come and visit him and he was very exited about that. We had not have the “talk” yet so before I was gonna buy the tickets I wanted to ask him if he wanted us to be exclusive. He said that it would be hard because of the distance, but says he likes me a lot, and still wants me to come visit! I said no although I really really wanted to go! 4months later he came home for Christmas and we saw eachother again (only 2 days) then he had to go back again. It made me really sad. That was the deal breaker for me! It took to much energy! I took him alway from Skype and Facebook and explained to him that I like you to much and I know you don’t want a relationship, so I need a break from you, and maybe we will meet again in summer. Was I to harsh?
Inability to handle money realistically. Sees me as his bank to bail him out without charging him interest or the wiring fe fees. Even has used money I,ve loaned him to take out other women while I cooik for him and pick up the tabs when he has no money because of the unpredictabiLity of his sales job.
Hi Alice,
That’s a good one. Thanks for commenting!
x
My unalterable deal breaker is a negative mindset
An old deal breaker that I can let go of is that he ist not full beard.
Hi,
Thanks for commenting!
x
deal breaker: someone who thinks he is in anyway better than someone else
i can live with: someone who hasn’t got any work aspirations (wants to be a musician, works in a bar)
Hi Jenny,
Great answers! Thanks for sharing.
x