In today’s new video, I talk about 5 possible reasons why they come back.

What’s been your experience with people who just can’t stay away? Let me know in the comments!

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Why do they always come back? What is this phenomenon? Someone breaks up with you, they decide they’re no longer interested, and then you can set your watch to it, days, weeks, months later, at some point you get that text. So first, let’s deal with why they come back. Five reasons. 

Number one, they’re horny, and they’re also selfish. If someone is coming back just to use you for sex, just to use you for that hit of validation, they have to be both horny and selfish. It’s a unique pairing of a toxic kind. They don’t make the calculation that what is simply going to be a hit of validation for them is going to be incredibly jarring or potentially even scarring for you. And we also know that there is a particular kind of intimacy and sex that comes after a breakup.

My friend, Aubrey Marcus, introduced me to this phrase “reclamation sex,” which is the kind of sex that you have with someone to feel like you are reclaiming them after you lost them. So what can be particularly selfish about someone coming back because their horny and want a hit validation or intimacy and intimacy is that it can be a heightened because they’ve lost you. But that makes it all the more selfish, doesn’t it, that I want to come back because it’s exciting to have that sex? But it’s not really with any intention. It’s just to have a heightened experience. 

Number two, they come back because single life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. In a relationship, it’s easy to glorify what we would be doing if we weren’t in a relationship, or who we would be doing if we weren’t in a relationship.

We can think about the freedom, because that’s what it really represents, isn’t it? Feeling like, “Oh, I really want to get with that person or this person or this person.” It’s not really about that person. It usually is a representation of a kind of freedom that’s been lost that someone wants to exercise, and it’s a fantasy. Being single and trying to get sex as a man isn’t easy for a lot of men so a lot of men experience that kind of anti-climax. I’m on fire today with these. But even if a guy is the kind of guy for whom sex comes easily and they can go and be with whomever they want, it doesn’t change the fact that that’s not a recipe for happiness. It’s not like that worked for him before. And sometimes when a man is in a relationship, he loses touch with the idea that, that didn’t make him happy before and it becomes this idea of something that, if I could only do that, if I could only hook up with whoever I want, I would be happy, life would be great.

And, of course, a lot of guys end up getting out of a relationship, they do that, and it doesn’t work. And when it doesn’t work, when the shine of that fantasy is taken off, they’re left with the reality that, wow, turns out happiness isn’t easy anywhere. So if they’ve taken away that variable that being single is the thing that’s going to make me happy, it’s very easy to then start to gravitate back to the thing that you left in the first place, which partly leads us to the third reason that people come back. It’s comfortable. If they are now single and lonely, it’s comfortable for them to come back to you to reconnect with that validation and that good feeling and that feeling of home that they miss. It’s also possible that they go out and meet somebody else and have their own heartbroken or experience a kind of denial or rejection that makes them want to run back to that feeling of home, run back to that feeling of comfort.

It’s also possible that they need to continue being single to work through the kinds of demons they have about being alone, the fear they have of being alone with their thoughts, their emotions, healing their trauma so that they can be a better person in a new relationship. It’s possible that they go to do that work, but the work is just too hard and too scary and so they come running back to the salve, the thing that’s going to distract them from all of that internal work that they have to do. That’s, of course, extremely dangerous for you because it doesn’t mean they’ve actually healed anything. It doesn’t mean they’ve actually made any progress. It’s just a snap-back motion to the path of least resistance. The fourth reason they come back, which, of course, is connected to number three, he genuinely misses you.

I say connected to the last point because it can be hard to distinguish sometimes between someone really missing you and really missing the comfort they get from you. And it perhaps could be argued, what’s the difference at a certain point? But to be a bit more optimistic, there is the situation where he just genuinely really misses you as a human being. Not just what you give him, not just the comfort you give him or the feeling of home, but you as a person, your qualities, your traits, your personality, your unique energy that he has felt the light of in his life and he’s scared to lose that energy. He misses it. He’s scared to lose it. We could almost add that as a separate point, really, the idea that he’s just scared to lose you to somebody elsewhere he’s, A, going to be incredibly jealous and territorial and, B, he loses the opportunity to have you back. So there’s a one leads to the other.

Feeling like you are this unique, wonderful person who he misses gives rise to that territorial, competitive panic buying state of then I need to make sure that she’s still there. I need to make sure that I can still reach out and touch her, that she’s not drifted too far for me to get her back. And a lot of the time when people are reaching out, there’s that quote in Swingers, isn’t there, that they always seem to know the moment you’re just about to get over them, the moment you’re just about to be fine again. The ex always seems to know, and that’s when you get the phone call. Well, I think there’s something to that. There’s something to someone’s instinct that you are no longer reaching out to them. You’re no longer texting them. You’re no longer calling them.

You do have an instinct that, “Oh, they’re no longer reaching out to me anymore in pain, which means that day by they must be drifting further, and therefore it’s just a matter of time before they end up meeting somebody else and then the option to have them back will be off the table entirely, and I can’t have that.” So then a guy rushes back, not out of genuine intent, but out of panic, which brings us to the fifth reason someone comes back, they have come to the realization that you genuinely are what they want. So this is the combination of number four, they miss you, with the realization that they don’t just you miss you, they don’t just want to reach out and touch you and make sure that you’re still there and available. They genuinely want you back for a real relationship to give you what they couldn’t give you before.

Now, we still have to point out an obvious danger with this category, the danger that, well, firstly, they have a retrospective ignorance or forgetting of the issues that broke the relationship up in the first place. In other words, he is forgetting the feeling that he had that made him want to run away that will inevitably appear again if he hasn’t done any work on himself, or he’s forgetting the parts of you that he decided weren’t right for him, that were the reason he left, and in the missing you and the distance from you and the romanticizing of the relationship, he’s grown distant from that feeling, that logic. So there’s that danger and there’s also the danger that he can’t deliver. There’s the danger that though he may genuinely believe that he wants you back and wants a relationship that he can’t actually deliver on that promise, that once it gets into it, he’s not going to be capable of giving you any more than he was before. Perhaps because he hasn’t actually changed or actually done any healing, hasn’t actually had any growth since the two of you parted ways before.

So these five things give rise to the question, what do you do if someone tries to come back? Should you take them back? How do you know the difference between whether they’re horny, just not liking single life, just want comfort, just miss you, or want a genuine relationship? And even if they want a genuine relationship with you, how do you know they can actually deliver on that without getting your heart broken again? So if you are going to let someone back into your life, follow these three principles. Number one, let them back in slowly and don’t in the process update your perception of who they are or what they’re capable of too quickly. Number two, look for evidence of change over proclamations of desire. They may feel strongly that they want you back, but that does not mean they have changed, and real change can only be measured in actions over time. It cannot be measured on the day someone wants you back.

And number three, set a new standard for what you need from them in to even entertain letting them back into your life. And whatever that standard is of what you need, it needs to be communicated to them in a way where they confirm that they’ve heard and understood it and confirmed that they are willing to live to that standard. That not only raises your value, but it gives you your exit strategy if at any point this person isn’t living to that standard. Now, let me be clear, the only way for you to actually do the three things I just mentioned is by making sure that they are underpinned by a genuine level of confidence in you. If that isn’t there, then these standards will disintegrate as soon as he tests them. Now, the only way to have that confidence is to not need this person when they come back you may want them and the fact that you’re even willing to entertain letting them back in is evidence of the fact that you want them and you want to see where the relationship goes, but you can’t need them.

That means that you and your life have to be in this robust and sturdy place so that when someone comes back to you, they can see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice that you are serious about this new standard and if it isn’t met it is game over. Now, if you want to get your confidence in your life to a place that means you don’t need this person, I have something for you. Three habits that if you follow them will build your life and build your confidence. And they are all in a free guide that I have for you over at 3SecretsToLove.com. Go download it now. Make sure whatever else you do, you follow this guide so that you can build up a life that allows you to say no, because only when you are capable of saying no can you say yes in the right way.