(Photo: Glenda Lissette)
Quick quiz for you: What is every guy’s idea of an amazing woman?
Is it the Michelle Obama type, who is strong and backs her man but has her own independence?
Is it the Sarah Silverman type, who makes him laugh and can enjoy crude humour, knows how to be immature and sees life as the joke it really is?
Is it the Snow White type, who is demure and kind, supremely nurturing and seems to be as pure and clean as…well, snow?
Is it the Jessica Rabbit type, the uber-seductive bombshell who makes his jaw drop whenever she wiggles her hips in his eyesight, and knows exactly how to command his sexual attraction?
The answer may be more surprising than you think.
All of the traits above represent a different quality that guys find attractive in their dream woman:
1. Independence
2. Playfulness and Fun
3. Sweetness and Nurturing
4. Sexual Fantasy
Think through the people you know in your life and you’ll likely have many people who fit these character types. Unfortunately, all of these traits are Janus-faced. They have a good side and an ugly side of the same coin. When any of these traits are taken too far, they can ruin an otherwise amazing personality.
For example:
The Independent Woman commands admiration and respect… but too much can feel cold and fail to make a man feel needed.
The Playful Woman is so cool and fun… but can be annoying and childish, and more like your bratty sister.
The Sweet, Nurturing Angel makes you feel loved… can be boring, frigid, and passive to a fault.
The Sexual Bombshell…well…has no faults whatsoever and ought to be worshipped like the goddess she is.
Just kidding.
The Sexual Bombshell is an interesting one though. The sexual bombshell often tends to get a little more leeway than the others, first of all because she is able to immediately satisfy the most basic of male needs, and to be frank, any woman who does this is already well-ahead of the curve.
But the Sexual Bombshell has a different kind of problem, which only becomes apparent once a guy snaps out of the hypnotising effects of her feminine powers (yes, even sexual allure has its limits, and most men with a brain will get bored and need something more).
The women who is just sexy usually has no problem getting guys interested in her, but the problem kicks in when he gets further down the line.
Perhaps, for example, he wants to show her off to his friends and realises she has no intelligent conversation, or she’s super high-maintenance and complains a lot, or she doesn’t know how to be playful and connect with other people. When people are one-dimensional, they can impress for a few weeks or months, but totally fail to keep lasting attraction in the long-term.
That’s why one-dimensional bombshells can get a ton of attention and have a highly active dating life, but still end up lonely after several years of gradually pushing away guys who get into a relationship with her.
What is a man’s dream woman then? Which one of these archetypes is the best to move towards?
It might seem like I’m about to state the obvious: YOU NEED TO BE ALL OF THOSE TRAITS ABOVE. THAT’S THE PERFECT WOMAN.
Well, kind of, that’s partly true. But it’s not how you think.
I mean, can you really be independent, playful, funny, kind, sweet, sexual, nurturing, cool, and full of integrity all at the same time? No. You can’t. But a guy does AT LEAST need to see evidence of all of these traits in small doses. He must see the potential for all four of these things in different situations, just in the same way that you want to see evidence that a guy can be confident and assertive, but also kind, romantic and intelligent.
What Makes You Unlike Any Other Woman – Show Different Unique Character Traits
So no, he doesn’t need to be seduced at every possible opportunity to see you as a sexual goddess, but yes, he does want to think and see that you’re capable of getting him home, throwing him on the bed and practically ripping his clothes off because you can’t wait to jump him as soon as possible (if you’ve never done this with your man before, for god’s sake start now).
Do you really have to be the woman who is always full of DEEP, DEEP conversation and can ruminate about philosophy and the universe with him and unpack his entire personality and analyze every aspect of his mind? No. Too much of this and it becomes intense and boring. But an intelligent guy will he does need it some of the time.
It would be crazy to say that you have to show a guy you’re the whole package in a single interaction. Which is why you don’t. Rather, see these traits as something a guy has to bear witness to over time over different dates (a good reason to make your dates varied to show different sides of yourself).
The picture someone has in their head of us doesn’t happen in one moment, one conversation, or one date: it is being painted gradually all the time.
Every interaction is another brushstroke on the complete portrait he sees of you. It is a picture that is always sharpening into focus when he sees your qualities displayed in different moments.
So with all that said, here’s the golden principle when considering the qualities above: You don’t need to be all of those things all of the time. But you do need to be each of those things some of the time.
Nearly anyone you think of can be placed into a single basic character-type if you narrow down their dominant traits. And that’s fine.
Everyone conforms to one stereotype more than another. There’s nothing wrong with Sarah Silverman being known as the ‘funny girl’ or Michelle Obama being known as the ‘tough, strong-willed woman’. We all gravitate towards some traits more than others. And some people are more turned on by one trait more than another.
But what matters is how much we shatter people’s preconceptions of these stereotypes, even if we conform to one of them. If you conform to a brainy girl stereotype for example, but he sees you go out and dance and be fun and able to be sexual and spontaneous, suddenly you’re completely unique.
What matters is that we are a constant surprise to people. Just when a guy thinks they have you pinned down, he sees a side they never thought you would embody.
There’s always that moment when a guy thinks to himself “This woman isn’t like all the others”. And usually it’s because she isn’t.
——
To learn the simple steps to become the woman who stands out from the crowd, Watch this video…
I AM this woman!! Just haven’t found the perfect man! Men need to read the male version of this! :P
I haven’t had a brainal for long long time!….
Hugs Matt and Ste!
haha thanks Laura!
I agree we do need to show all sides of our personality to attract a person this way they are caught off guard. I would love to see an article for guys on what girls see as they’re dream guy as maybe it would give them some insight into what we want and maybe it would make the guys try to show they’re personality off as well.
I agree with this comment. I wish there was advice stating how men and women both get their needs met at the same time. Sometimes I don’t want to be all these things. Sometimes I’m just not feeling playful or fill in the blank. Sides of myself come out spontaneously and it works better for me if it shows when I feel like it. (I’m also more attractive that way.) As opposed to me trying to fit it all in so the guy gets to see glimpses early on.
I certainly have tried all of Matt’s techniques, honest. It’s solid advice but sometimes hard to implement in the moment.
Hi A,
I understand, but think about it from the other side. If a guy doesn’t know you at all, it’s not fair to ask him to like you just based on the idea that you might be playful or fun later, for example. I would also say this advice to those guys who say “I don’t want to be charming and confident all the time”.
I find most people’s problem in truth is just that they don’t practice this enough. They never meet people so when it comes to meeting people they don’t feel like they can be in the moment and fun and spontaneous, or they are protecting these sides of them because of insecurity.
Thanks for commenting!
Steve x
I have tried it, Steve, honest. I’m speaking from experience. But with me, as a speedy person to begin with, it just seems like I’m fast-forwarding through all these sides so guys can see it all at once at a really rapid place. It’s mostly playacting. I don’t know if guys like it or not, but it feels fake to me. Sometimes I act playful (and the rest of the traits) and it’s fun, other times, it’s just exhausting. That’s the truth.
That’s the difference between men and women, maybe. I give men lots of time to show me who they are. Men, I feel like I have one chance. What is the rush? It’s just too fast for me. I did try Matt’s advice for a year. I got used to it, but . . . I want to spend some time being me and maybe finding a middle ground between the two.
One interesting difference a year does make. I meet at least two new men a week now, which is just my speed. Even though I’m not really trying to! So I meet lots of people, but I think it’s best sometimes for me to move at my speed. Other times, not.
I’m still figuring it out. Thanks, as always, for your responses! And it was great putting a face to the name in Matt’s recent video!
Very true Beth! – I’ll be looking forward to that article when someone writes it. ;)
x
What order should we show these brush strokes of ourselves?
It doesn’t matter so much about the order. In the first conversation, it’s best to show him more than one side e.g. your intellectual but also fun or sexy, or your independent but also feminine and can be soft and sweet.
If this picture of the perfect woman is being painted in his head over time, then a great way to emphasise these differences are in the way a woman dresses. One minute a sexy bombshell like Joan in Mad Men, all curves and sensuous lips. Or Betty, beautifully dressed in a demure, perfectly put together way ( apparently Matthew Weiner was so into detail he had pictures and notes of make up and matching nails etc. Oh my god I didn’t know a straight man like that existed. Lol )
But when you talk of a sexy goddess, I was watching a French film recently which is great for learning French hearing the correct pronunciation, and the couple start kissing in bed. She says, wait a minute, off she goes. The next scene is her dressed all in her black sexy lingerie, suspender kit eating chocolate while he’s fast asleep. Know when to go with the flow and when to get dressed up.
Another great piece, so useful we could put it into practice tomorrow. Thank you.
Kathryn x
Thanks so much Kathryn, love the story about the sexy lingerie! x
So great to see you writing stuff for this blog, Stephen. Matthew talked so much about his family and his brother, before we ever “met” you…a nice reminder that romantic love isn’t the only love, family love is real too.
Thanks Rivka! x
And again a great piece!
Only…”ravish”? seriously!
Like the metaphor.
I know, I promised i’d never use the word ‘ravish’ in an article an here were are (sigh). ;)
Thanks Irene,
Stephen x
Hi Stephen,
Great blog, I’ve been finding the pieces you’ve been writing very applicable to my life! However, I do have a few questions about this one.
Both you and Matthew have emphasized the importance of sexuality and sexual confidence in dating and relationships. However, what about those of us who find this to be a difficult part of our personality to express, due to past negative sexual experiences? It seems like lack of “sexual fantasy” is a deal breaker for most men, but it can be difficult to be sexy because men take it as a cue that they can be more sexually aggressive. I’m not ok with being intimate with a guy until I know him really well and find him safe and trustworthy. Do you have any suggestions on how to show the sexy side of your personality when you aren’t planning on having sex with a guy anytime soon? What (if anything) will draw a man in to hang out long term with a girl that they aren’t having sex with (are the other three traits you mentioned enough?) What about if you don’t feel very sexually confident/ competent? I know that I probably loose out on dates because I’m so concerned with not sending mixed signals that I’m afraid to be flirty and touchy when I’m with someone I’m attracted to.
Special thanks for reading through and answering questions on your other blogs. It’s nice to know that if I have a question like this I have the chance of getting it answered! Have a great day!
Alex
Hi Alex,
I’m so glad you enjoy the articles.
Being sexual can mean just showing a HINT of sexuality. You can still show your boundaries by your actions (e.g. don’t put yourself in a sexual situation by being in your bed on the first few dates), and if he wants it quicker than you do, tell him you aren’t comfortable with doing that until you know someone better. You can STILL show that you desire him sexually, kiss him, show him your sexual side. You aren’t saying NO outright, you are just saying “Not yet, I don’t move that fast”. A good guy (generally) doesn’t mind waiting as long as he feels like things are moving forward to some degree. But communicate your standard when things get physical so that he knows your views on sex early on.
With regards to physical contact, touch is important, but it doesn’t have to be deeply sexual touch. Just something light in conversation, or a hug that makes him feel like a man around you. These things show a guy interest and make him feel like it is ok to ask you out.
Thanks for your comments, hope that helps
Stephen
Wonderful work, Stephen!
To exhibit these qualities and give a man a new color from our palette (completely stealing your metaphor) each time he interacts with us would hopefully lead to a beautifully composed picture. Do you think men ever step back and realize they don’t like the composition (ie: Kandinsky vs. Waterhouse)? I suppose it’s similar to favoring a piece of music over another even though they have the same notes.
I do agree that keeping people off balance adds for so much intrigue =)
15 articles – well done! Wednesdays are much better for them.
Thanks so much Shae, appreciate your kind words :) x
Lovely article as always- well done! I completely agree with what you said about displaying these traits in small doses, but I’d like to ask how exactly to do it. Once I like someone I find it quite difficult to hold back and be a bit mysterious, so if there’s any strategy you could offer regarding the “small doses” bit I’d really appreciate it. Thanks :) xxx
I think what he’s saying is to let each side come out naturally. Different situations or conversations will pull out different reactions from you, so just let it happen naturally, but plan a little to allow for more variety in the dates.
Show with TINY actions. E.g. show sexuality by touching his arm when you make a point, or flashing a cheeky smile, being cute and feminine, show your physical desire, or just tell him he’s got a great masculine jaw line or big shoulders. There are dozens of ways to show one trait.
Thanks Div!
Stephen
I’m confused about the man myth programme, I thought it was a one off payment but when I went to pay it said something about a price increase afterwards. :/
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With all my heart I thank you for the romantic surprise :)
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♥&♥
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Kiss each others
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♥&♥
♥ EVERYTHING GOD gave human beings for looooooooooooooooooving romantically with all HEART :)
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If we human beings are truly in LOVE, I believe we can experience the most romantic relationships :)
Since true LOVE is the strongest element I believe we human beings truly LIVE if we truly LOVE ♥&♥ we may LIVE forever if we always LOVE :)
Always loooooooooving ROMANCE :)
Susanne
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Hi Stephen
I usually do like your articles but this one is just a bit….well…..
really? Independent, sweet, playful bombshell? seriously? Is this even a real person? How can women be ALL of those things even *some* of the time?
There are all kinds of people in this world and some people are just sweet and nurturing and don’t really have a bombshell side to them or aren’t particularly strong and independent. Some people may have some of these qualities but not all such as being sweet, independent and sexy but not so playful. Not that these qualities are mutually exclusive but I think this is too much to expect in one person!!! There are very few women who have ALL of these traits which they express well.
What great qualities do these men have to deserve such a woman is so “perfect”? Perhaps if there was a guy who was masculine and alpha but also caring and sensitive, rich and successful with a great sense of humor and charm then HE could possibly ask for a woman who was all of those things. But most guys aren’t dream-men and realistically speaking, most women aren’t either.
Now, if you were to say that we should not be afraid to express those qualities in ourselves IF we have them already, then that’s fine. Then it is about being authentic and expressive. For example, many women hold back their erotic side because they are ashamed so it would be good for them to express that side. But some women simply aren’t all that “bombshelly”. What is anyone going to do about that? This sounds awfully prescriptive and might lead to women acting these parts out just to please men whether or not it truly expresses who they are.
Another point is what a reader already mentioned below. That is, WHEN do we express these sides of ours? ALL at once? First the man has to stick around long enough to actually get to know these sides. Does that happen? Most guys just write women off if they see only one side of them in the beginning. Eg. guys will categorize a nurturing woman as “the sweet girl” and go for the more exciting bombshell without bothering to find out about her bombshell side which might come out later or dump the bombshell thinking she is only good for one thing without bothering to actually look into the depths of her soul.
When people first meet me they mostly see my independent side (if it is a work situation) or my playful side (in a social situation). My other two sides only show themselves when people get to know me a bit better. Or sometimes they may see my sweet side mostly but then when I am more comfortable with them, my playful side comes out. Yet I am often labeled as only one of these types without anyone bothering to look deeper.
I know you would say to introduce other aspects of my personality more quickly but it simply doesn’t feel natural. I cannot be a bombshell with someone I barely know and do not trust yet. Sorry. That’s the way it is.
Besides there are many other aspects of my personality in addition to these 4 that most guys probably never get to see and never will. Sometimes I feel it is better than way because most guys would probably not be able to appreciate it anyway.
I really don’t see what the point of this article was anyway.
Hi kish,
To answer your first concern. I have to disagree. It is completely possible for a woman to be independent, sweet, playful and a bombshell (and I wouldn’t date any woman who was lacking in a single one of those qualities).
Also, you said:
“What great qualities do these men have to deserve such a woman is so “perfect”? Perhaps if there was a guy who was masculine and alpha but also caring and sensitive, rich and successful with a great sense of humor and charm then HE could possibly ask for a woman who was all of those things.”
Presumably you do want a man with all those traits? I know I would want a guy like that if I were a woman (excluding rich, since I don’t think that matters). Such a man does not seem unrealistic to me. It doesn’t mean he has to have EVERY one of these traits at a 10/10 level (which would indeed be impossible). He just has to have them all to SOME extent. So no, not every man deserves a perfect woman. But some great guys are looking for an incredible woman who is multi-faceted and satisfies him in many different areas with her varying personality. It does not seem as unrealistic as you claim.
You also say: “But most guys aren’t dream-men and realistically speaking, most women aren’t either.”
Those guys who aren’t dream men don’t deserve dream women. Neither do women who fall short of high standards deserve an amazing man. If we want to attract extraordinary people, we have to be extraordinary ourselves.
Finally, you say: “I know you would say to introduce other aspects of my personality more quickly but it simply doesn’t feel natural. I cannot be a bombshell with someone I barely know and do not trust yet.”
I understand your concern, but really by being a bombshell I don’t mean being an outright seductress. You just have to make him see your femininity, by showing your desire, or telling him, for example, that something ‘turns you on’, or telling him you like his broad shoulders or his eyes, or by touching him (lightly, not sexually) in conversation, or by making sustained eye contact and smiling, or by asking for his help and letting him do something protective towards you. These are very simple ways to show femininity, which makes you sexy to a guy (later on when you’ve dated him for longer you can show him more obvious physical sexual desire).
Hope that answers some of your questions.
All the best,
Stephen
Hi Stephen
Thanks for your reply. Your clarifications were helpful. I suppose you meant that a woman would have to have all of these traits to *some* extent and that is realistic.
Yes, I do want a man who is also multifaceted but to tell you truth, there are very very few of those. Either they are rich and successful, humorless or if they are funny and easy going, they are not masculine enough. I don’t care much about money either, but I do want someone who is ambitious but is family man, who is strong but sensitive when the need arises–you know. People often tell me I’m asking for too much. My women friends have settled with the sweet teddy bear type or the high powered career man. They find one set of traits that hits their 80% of their criteria and get hitched. I know I don’t have to settle but sometimes I feel I have no option.
Thanks also for your comments on how to reveal the bombshell side early on. I am very bad at this and probably come across as cold to people. Once we were on a boat and this big tall guy put his arms over me and said he would protect me from the wind and I blew it by throwing a joke back at him instead of taking the opportunity of being feminine. I only let my playful side out but not the feminine side.
I will practice this although it would be helpful if you could do an article about this in the future. Most articles I see on this topic are about women should act helpless, giggly (when there’s nothing funny happening), sweet and delicate etc. To me it seems fake, especially if I am not particularly feeling that way.
Stephen, please tell us how to show femininity and sexiness in an authentic way.
Kish, read a few of my post above or check out Dr. Pat Allen on youtube. She is brilliant!
Well said!
Hey Stephen, your point about showing different facets of yourself at different intervals is so on point. Love your metaphor; it reminded me of one of my favourite songs: True Colours by Cyndi Lauper. : ) It is indeed about showing petit à petit our true colours , for the other to continuously draw a portrait of us. Sometimes a rubber is required though, through clear & open communication (rectification = clarification).
And somehow this article made me hear my mother’s voice towards the end: “a flat personality won’t flatter you.” (Sounds almost better in English than in German lol)
You say: show different facets to yourself at different times, right you are, but I’m adding: why not portray two qualities simultaneously? Needless to say, we agree on the “not all qualities at once” part.
What differs the female from the masculine species on a deeper level are clearly the sexual fantasies. I trust you have an idea why… based on the open questions you may have about us. (ahhh, if only we could mind read… what a mess that would be -referring to that one memorable scene in episode 6 of The Tomorrow People)
Thus, I could suggest that women who are not comfortable at first with showing their sexy/erotic side could try and combine it with one of their strongest characteristics.
At least, if there is some warming up to do, they successfully showed the other. Trying it this way should help them a) stretch their comfort zone b) prevent from portraying a blatant invitation for sex, which is something we are not too uncommonly confronted with c) hint that erotic isn’t a taboo (extremely important) and d) mix two colours and you get a new one.
Also, there is this one very interesting conversation I’ve had with a dear friend of mine who has been together with his women for over 20 years. He told me that what he loved most about “her” wasn’t her independent side (yes she kicks ass – big time) which is the side everyone gets to see on a daily basis, but instead it was her nurturing/tender side. He went on by explaining that even though she could be fierce at work and would rock the boat quite often etc. –> behind closed doors, she would show him a side no one else has the privilege of seeing: affection not just towards but for him… Now I’m not able to convey to you how I felt when hearing this, but this was truly eye opening to me, because I have to admit, I used to question that side about her. It is him who actually shattered my preconception about her. Ever since, I am able to perceive that side in her myself, that he’s been able to all along. I’ll finish with this: they are an awesome unbeatable team, probably the most ‘artistic’ couple I know of, because they play ALL of each other’s colours (even the most watery ones perceived in public) to both of their advantage. Very aspiring…
All the best for the retreat guys!
Hey Manon!
Lovely to hear from you, as always. Completely agree RE: showing two qualities at once. That’s exactly what can make a guy attracted in the first interaction.
And as for the sexual side, you’ve hit the nail on the head! It is about showing that you *can* be sexual, even if it’s in a really subtle way. All you need to do is show some physical desire for him, or make him feel manly around you (e.g. when you hug him). It’s in the very small actions that we show someone parts of our personality.
Thanks for commenting, all the best :) xx
A woman can show a man she is sexual just by being free with herself. Touching her hair not to show him she is sexy but because she likes the way her soft hair feels. A sexy woman is a sensual woman. Her senses are heightened to touch, smell, sight sound, taste.
Women who love food are sensual. They are turned on by the experience of food,its textures, flavors, temperatures, smells, etc. This tells a man she is sexual. A woman who loves the feel of her own skin by just rubbing the skin of her arm shows she likes to touch herself and therefore will have no problem touching him. I have had many men in my life tell me they are turned on by the way I move my hips when I am just standing or by how I sensually drink from a bottle of water. I have no idea what they are talking about, I am just drinking my water and standing as I always do, in the company of men or just by myself. It is who I am and how I am. I do it because I am a sensual being. I experience life through my senses not my intellectual thoughts, as men often do.
On a recent vacation, I didn’t like the texture of the hotel towels so I went out and bought Egyptian cotton towels for the rest of our stay. That’s is how sensual I am in life. Everything must be a sensory experience. I am out of my head and into my body. This is what is sexy to a man. Its not a deliberate way of acting in front of him or dressing so he can see your cleavage or long legs and curves.
No one ever taught me about having sex. I just do what feels good to my body with theirs. I have had sex with pro athlete men who have been with hundreds of women tell me I was the best sex they ever had. I believe it is because I am in touch with myself and therefore am in touch with them. Sex with especially athletes who know their bodies very well like a sensual woman does too are unlike men who work in an office all day thinking with their brains not their bodies, has so much synchronicity. The touching and counter touching is so intuitive you meet each others sexual needs without words. Its mind blowing. Sexy is not about how you look it is about how you experience life through sensory feeling. Get out of your head ladies and connect with life through your senses and men will start to look at you differently. When you over dress yourself to look sexy men know you are trying too hard. Just be sexy.
I find it interesting that you have not included intelligence in the picture. I assume that it goes hand in hand with being independent? I appreciate intelligent men and find it a very sexy trait. I wonder if it is not the same for men? Obviously you cannot answer for every man, but I would love to hear your thoughts. :)
Lovely blog, Stephen.
<3
*~ Arianna ~*
This is amazing! Thank you so much!! It brings up much more clarity.
I knew i was the perfect woman! Thanks for helping me make certain;)
I am completely inexperienced when it comes to dating and I’m okay with that. With the little experience I have, I would have to completely agree with everything you’ve said. I started online dating not too long ago and every single profile I come across guys are stating the kind of woman they look for. And guess what? They’re all looking for the same kind of woman! And yet they all say they want her to be unique. The problem I have is this: you will never see a woman be all of these things in the first date (just like you said) and yet majority of guys expect that. So yeah, completely agree with you, I just wish guys would see what you’re saying is true.
Nurturing according to Dr. Pat Allen is a masculine trait. Women are to nurture children and babies not their men. Men are to nurture woman not women nurturing men. So if the trait of nurturing is about her being a good mom in the future then I agree with that. But men who want women to nurture them are not masculine men, they are little boys who want a mamma. But these days a high percentage of men are more like little boys. Our culture has changed were kids are over nurtured after a certain age. They are shocked when the get into the real working world that not everybody is telling them how great they are all the time like mamma use to do and their confidence is shot. This over nurturing has kept boys from becoming men who have never gotten their Fisher King wound that should be their right of passage from boyhood into manhood. THis is why I feel its so difficult in meeting real men these days. Younger men are really still boys wanting nurturing from a woman when it is they who should be the nurturers. All the other Traits I can agree with on this list.
Well said. Interesting insight.
So what if I have all of these traits (not to be conceited but I’ve been told this by others and would agree with them) and I’m still hopelessly single? I am witty, with a cerebral sense of humor who is successful (one year away from becoming an M.D.), easy to talk to, loyal, low maintenance, great listener, good looks (I look like a mix between Selena Gomez and Thandie Newton)…and somehow the girls I know that are bitchy, selfish, sexually permiscuous ALWAYS land the best boyfriends and even fiancee`s! I can’t figure out why this happens! HELP.
I was in your position at one time… Those women who are what you call bitchy & selfish are self centered woman. And that is a good thing. A woman should be in love with herself and a man wants to be able to be a part of her self love. You may think you are nicer to men than they these bitchy friends are but what you are probably doing is accommodating him which is masculine. You may also be mothering him, giving advice, helping him with his things etc. or you may be getting competitive with him by the way you talk with him, i.e. I think, what do you think conversation skills instead of being feminine and saying I feel what to you think. Its an innocent mistake many women make. It you want a man to cherish you as a woman never tell him what you think, tell him how you feel about things. A man needs respect to love you. If you are always competing with him he goes on the defensive and what man wants to marry someone who is telling him what to do and disrespectful of his leadership. Say what you feel and ask what he thinks about it. Never ask a man what he feels unless he is ill or injured. Always ask what he thinks and this will show him you respect him. Bitchy women are usually complaining about how they feel about something. Its still feelings and guys don’t mind that as long as its a valid emotion for the situation. Watch this awesome video link I found on youtube (no its not me) and it will expand more on this. This woman is brilliant. Memorize her wisdom and apply it to see results! http://youtu.be/IMMmXHMMnms Hope this could help you. Best of luck in love. :)
JJ – I watched the YouTube “6 (and a half) Secrets of Love” that you suggested and loved it! Just like Matthew’s web site – lots of learning here, and agree that respect is pretty important. Self-respect is not always easy to understand based on how we were raised, etc.
A friend has made comments about how he disliked some shows now days that tend to make men appear to be second class to women, and look like fools. I also think it’s probably intimidating for a guy to meet someone who is fairly educated and smart and training to be an MD. I think those initials could send a lot of men off to find someone else less intimidating – just sayin’…
It is important first to learn to respect yourself, and then to find someone that you truly DO respect. I think it takes some time to find that someone – not always easy. I’ve seen a few “momma’s boys” and feel sorry for them, and honestly turned off. It’s not their fault necessarily, but they can change if it is an issue for them.
I like the part about taking time to learn about each other and revealing who we are gradually, and having a chance to do that. I dated someone and I had a hard time being myself as I felt intimidated by his personality even though I liked him. I think he would’ve loved getting to know me better!
This also brings to mind the old TV series called “Here Come the Brides” (I think it was shown in the 60’s or 70’s) which was somewhat of a documentary, even though it looked fictional, of the women being shipped over to the west coast in the days that men had traveled to explore there, but no women available. It didn’t take them long to make commitments! I think it had something to do with good old fashioned morals and respect(and not many choices!)
One more thing. You said you had a cerebral sense of humor. Men don’t want too much cerebral especially in the begining it can turn them off. They are at work all day being cerebral when on their free time they want to forget it all and just have fun with a woman. Try being more playful and light. I know my girlfriends who get too intellectual with men never seem to get more than 2 or 3 dates before the guy forgets about them. In order for a man to fall in love with a woman he needs to get out of his intellectual thinking brain and into his emotional brain. If you continually stimulate his intellectual brain with cerebral conversations, he never accesses his emotional brain to fall for you… save your brilliance for later after he is hooked on you. Play a little stupid until you have accessed his emotional brain. You know you are probably smarter than him as I am with most men I meet but does it really matter? You want love not a new job. There is no reason to impress him intellectually. Men don’t date women for their accomplishments and scholastic achievements but to enjoy her playfulness and happiness she shares with him. Guys can get intellect & competition at work. Just be fun. I tell you when I get stuck with not being able to pull a guy in, I dumb it down a bit and he is all over me. Try it as an experiment. You’ll be surprised.
JJ – some of what you say makes sense but I would never “play stupid” to attract a guy. this is 2018. If a guy can’t handle your intelligence then you should not chose him. Please don’t advise other people to do this.
Have all traits and yet that was the reason why he can’t commit to me. He thinks I’m too good for him and he’s not at the same level as me…I guess what he said it’s true. If you take a look at the girl he’s dating now and me, you can tell the difference. He’s not mature enough to take on the responsibility of being in a stable relationship. How ironic is that