I bet you’ve never thought about relationships the way I’m about to show you.
The secret I give in this video isn’t one you’ll find in every book out there…
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What are the “Trash Cans” you want in your dream relationship? The day-to-day details and acts of support?
Matthew:
This isn’t fantasy. This isn’t building a castle in the sky. The idea of love. The idea of what we could be. The one day wager – I call it the one day wager. I’m making a wager that one day you’ll be what I want you to be. One day you’ll invest in me the way I want you to. One day you’ll change. The one day wager is the most dangerous wager you can possibly make in your love life. The real shit is what’s going on now. Is someone trying? Do they want to be here? Are they focused on the little shit? Not just the big shit, because anyone can go and have a… People say, “But when it’s great, it’s great.”
Lewis:
“It’s amazing.” Yeah.
Matthew:
“When we go out, we’ve been on some amazing dates.”
Lewis:
“We’re on vacation.”
Matthew:
Or “We did that vacation, we had the best time and it was amazing.” Of course, you were on fucking vacation. Anyone can go to Disney World and have a great time. It’s Disney World! That’s the job of the place, is to make sure you have a great time no matter who you’re with.
Lewis:
Right.
Matthew:
Right? You know what? When I was, I think I was 12 or 13, my parents took me to America for the first time and we came to Florida, and where do you think we went? We went to –
Lewis:
Disney World.
Matthew:
… Disney World and I was massively excited. I was so –
Lewis:
Pumped.
Matthew:
… excited. It was exciting to be in America. I was excited to see the things I’d seen on TV. Excited to see the references to movies I’d seen. Excited for the rides. We go into Disney World and I learned something very interesting about myself there. Because of course, I go in there, it’s magical. It’s, “Oh my God, this is crazy. It’s huge.”
Lewis:
And your photo with Mickey.
Matthew:
You go on Space Mountain.
Lewis:
Yeah.
Matthew:
Yeah, there’s Mickey there, there’s all these dazzling attractions. But it was something that stood out to me even more than Space Mountain, even more than the big ride. It was the trash cans.
Lewis:
Oh, yeah?
Matthew:
On some level that maybe I couldn’t fully articulate at that age, I saw the trash cans and I was moved by it. I said, “Someone cared enough about this place to theme the trash cans.” The trash can in Tomorrow Land is a futuristic trash can, the trash can in Indiana Jones Land or whatever it’s called is a Tiki bamboo trash can. The trash cans were different depending on where you were.
Lewis:
It’s amazing.
Matthew:
Someone cared so much about the detail of that world that they styled and themed the trash cans. It moved me. I’ve never forgotten that. The trash cans in life. And I’ve thought about that endlessly in my business. When I do a retreat – I just got back from my retreat, and I told this story on the retreat – someone came to me at the end of the retreat – because of all the little details we put on the retreat, you know, it’s not just a seminar, an event, we hold parties and inside there are –
Lewis:
It’s an experience, yeah.
Matthew:
It’s an immersive world. We like to think we’ve created the immersive theater of the self-development world. And someone came up to me at the end of this retreat and said, “You achieved trash can status.” And it –
Lewis:
That’s big.
Matthew:
The 13-year-old in me wanted to cry.
Lewis:
Wow, that’s amazing.
Matthew:
Right? And it moved me again and I thought, “That’s what I want.” And I thought about this even today as I was coming here and I was like, “You know what? This absolutely applies to relationships too.” Often in a breakup, often when people are going through difficult times with their partner or whatever, the thing they go back to is, “But we had that amazing trip, but we had those amazing times.” They go to these highlights, they go to the Space Mountain of their relationship and they go, “But remember when we met Mickey?” It’s that, right?
Lewis:
Yeah.
Matthew:
The meeting Mickey moment of their relationship. But relationships are about the trash cans, man. It’s the trash cans.
Lewis:
Yeah.
Matthew:
Because guess what? In a day at Disney, you ride Space Mountain once, maybe twice.
Lewis:
It’s a moment.
Matthew:
How many times do you use the trash cans?
Lewis:
Every day, all the time.
Matthew:
Every 20 minutes, every 30 minutes.
Lewis:
Yeah.
Matthew:
It’s the trash cans. What will define your relationship is the trash cans, not Space Mountain.
Lewis:
The lower moments, the messy moments.
Matthew:
The micro attractions. The moment where we do something sweet, where we think of our partner when we didn’t need to and we worry about the day they had or support them, or even just support them silently or in private, or support them by what we don’t bring to them. It’s that. It’s the detail. It’s the detail, and that’s what’s going to determine how great your life is. My concern is, and we’ve all been there, my concern is the number of people out there who are staying in the wrong thing because of the Space Mountain of the relationship.
Lewis:
The few moments that were magical.
Matthew:
Or they’re spending too much grieving the loss of the wrong thing because all they remember is Space Mountain.
Lewis:
Interesting.
Matthew:
But they don’t think of how shitty the trash cans were and the trash cans, that’s the stuff, that’s the day-to-day. How good was it day-to-day? There’s a difference between being in love and being happy.
Lewis:
What is the difference between love and happiness?
Matthew:
You can be in love and be really unhappy.
Lewis:
Be suffering inside and be in love.
Matthew:
You can be in love and be having a relationship that’s causing you constant anxiety, constant heartache, constant pain, feeling overlooked, not feeling important. You can be in love and all of those things still be true, how crazy is that? We think that love is this thing where it’s rational, like, “I’m going to be in love with this person who brings me joy.” Not true. We need to start worrying more about happiness because if someone isn’t building with you, if someone isn’t committing to actually building the castle with you, that’s the quality of your life, not how in love you are.
Lewis:
You might love certain things about them. You might’ve loved the date you went on, you might have loved the Space Mountain or –
Matthew:
Certain characteristics they had.
Lewis:
The sex was incredible.
Matthew:
How charming they were, how charismatic, how whatever. It doesn’t mean that you’re happy day-to-day, there’s a big difference.
Love the thought and yes it’s true – it’s the everyday nitty gritty stuff that makes or breaks relationships. The big stuff has the potential to refresh a relationship though, when you’re in a rut and need some kid of intervention. My only point Matt… its bins and holidays not trash cans and vacations! Greetings from Europe!
This is absolutly amazing.. it feels like there is nothig more to say. thank you Matthew.. I hope some day I’ll be able to come to your retret.
I agree you cant be in love and suffer … if not … what is the point? Better to be alone in that case … I want someone who accept me with all my little trash cans and live with that … make them as Disneyland … fun and part of the view … not something to be criticized every single moment .
Wow I related to this scenario right here and right now as I have someone not commiting to build the castle with me …. thank you this has given me clarity at a pivitol point …. Fiona
This is so true, Matthew. You can be in love and not really happy. It’s easy to focus on the great times, the Space Mountains. (Frankly, I thought the two minutes on Space Mountain weren’t really worth standing in line for over 45 minutes!)
It’s the day-to-day stuff that matters.
What would my trash cans be? My love language is acts of service. So little things like him doing the dishes or washing my car mean a lot. I’m not in a relationship now but that’s what rings true for me.
I agree completely, I left a 20 year relationship because, although I loved him, there was no happiness anymore. He forgot about the trash cans.
This piece is so poignant & on point it hurts… becuz growth is painful when we know we must go forth into the next phase of honoring ourselves & coming out whole & happy!! Thanks for clarifying feelings, thoughts & indecision. We all face this revelation at some point.
Your trash can example is on the money Matthew. Small simple demonstrations of respect. Small examples of being thought of during the day. Returning for one last kiss before leaving for work. The last man I had a relationship with would cook very often and insistent on doing the clean up. Or he would stock my favorite beverage in his fridge. I would stop at his place just to get that hug that would make every distasteful moment that day fade away. I loved to have him laugh at my attempts of humor. Our problem was here was never a trip to space mountain. You need a balance of both. More trash can moments yet an occasional run to the mountain.
Always communicating, even when things are hard. They can say when they need to be alone but they still communicate. They show up, and we are there for each other, show up for each other. Noticing the little things, saying words of appreciation, showing affection. Noticing something that would make things easier for me and doing it, it can be small. Those are golden.
So, if your not happy day-to-day in your relationship, what do you do?
I get you,totally, Matthew.
Clever stuff; so true.
Take care You. X.
Beautiful, Matt!:) Beautiful story and very relevant indeed. Even the truth you said it’s very simple and logical, when we are in love with someone, we tend to ignore this fundamental aspect. I love your story and its deep message! And I promise myself to never ever forget Trash Cans Story and to apply it in my life, in everything I do.Thank you!!!
What you said in this video sums up perfectly the relationship I just left …. I loved him but I was not happy…. there was no castle building.
Thank you for confirming what I thought and did.
Hi Matthew, I have been listening and reading your material for couple of years and got quite a few friends of mine to do so… you really got it! Thank you so much.
I get all you say about the building the castle, trashcan and the rest. Now, tell me what is wrong with doing it all solo? I was married for 9vyears and have 2 wonderful children, been in a relationship which wasnt great, been in many dates but got to the point that I feel like, why am I trying to bring someone else in?! What you’ve just said now made lots of sense to me, to not try to be in love, try to be happy! I am happy, in fact, I make myself unhappy with trying to find someone else to add to the equation!! It is enough! Right? I should not feel the pressure of becoming a part of 2 for the sake of the society acceptances, I can be happy and society and it’s beliefs can sort itself out! Right? I am really wondering here?!! Thank you SO much x
Matthew, I couldnt agree with you more. It is emphatically true that relationships boil down to the day to day life interactions. How you support carecand be there for each other. The highlights, grandiose moments are the icing on the cake and shouldn’t be indicative e of the relationship. I often check the day to day as a gauge of how things are going.
Thank you for the I sight of being in love but not fulfilled or happy in a relationship. It makes perfect sense and can see it.
Love this video
Yes, Sirs. The day to day “How are you? How was your day?” consist part of our trash can stuff. I just realized it listening to you. I would reply more earnestly when asked.
And, credit my man more for asking without fail those 2 seemingly ordinarily bland questions.
He presses me for an answer if I retell the news on tv or other things, that he thinks doesn’t show how I am really. He means to know & cares. Thank you for this aha! moment.
Wow! Thank you so much! I really needed this. I was so in love with my ex, who wouldn’t commit to anything for years – that I was missing out on a quality relationship with someone else. Now I’m with someone who worships me, is a great partner & wants to build a beautiful castle. Only problem is… I’m not in love with him, nor am I attracted to hIm. I have fallen in love w the wrong people all my life. How can I learn to love the right people??
you’re right. recently my boyfriend told me he thinks of me cooking in my apartment every time he needs to quiet his mind. i love that the simple act of me cooking has become a trash can for him. for me i travel a lot for work in very difficult places for humanitarian reasons- my trash can with my boyfriend is him checking in on me to make sure i am safe and that i am taking care of myself ( eating properly and getting sleep) – it may seem mundane or non romantic but it means a lot to me that he cares about my wellbeing when i am on deployment
What if the trash cans are kind of alright, but there aren’t great moments? Sometimes I feel like it’s so hard to decide I would do the right thing or not if I left my partner. He does nice things for me in a relationship, but then the other way around, when we go on vacation, he has some problems with things and we start arguing over little things, like he doesn’t know how to have fun. Sometimes it’s hard for me to decide if I am being too hard on him and I am just being too picky always wanting someone better after a while in my relationships. Can you relate to that?
Matthew, you have percent reassured me that I made the right decision to end the on going whatever relationship I’ve been involved in for the past 8 years!!!! I’m now 40 and beyond tired of giving all of me and not getting what I want in return. Thank you for all your wisdom and true answers to keep me focused to move on! Your the best! ❤️