When we meet someone we feel excited about, “love bombing” can feel like everything we’ve ever wanted.

But then, like clockwork, it happens. As quickly as they came, they’re gone.

In this week’s new video, my brother Stephen and I break down the four different types of love bombers.

If this video speaks to you, let me know in the comments. I’ll be reading all of them and would love to hear your thoughts and stories on love bombing. 

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Matthew:

They want to come in and make you fall in love with them as quickly as possible because that’s where they get their validation. And once they feel validated, once they feel like, “Ah, I did it, I made them fall for me. Look how wonderful I am,” it’s confirmed. They can then move on.

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Matthew:

A love bomb, or a love bomber is someone who comes into your life and immediately has an incredible intensity about them. They shower you with praise, and attention, and affection, and maybe even something that looks like love. They want your time, your energy. Maybe, they do things very quickly, like introduce you to family. Maybe, they immediately give up their whole week. They want to see you every single day. They want to know where you are all the time, because they miss you. It’s someone who is very grandiose in the beginning. You may even feel in the beginning with this person, like the pace of it makes you slightly uncomfortable.

And, the reason it’s called love bombing is because someone comes in and drops this bomb, but then they disappear just as quickly when they’re done. And that’s what so many people experience, is the pain of feeling like they had something that was so intense and felt like it was so important, and it really felt like it was going somewhere very quickly. And then as quickly as that person came in and showered you with that affection, they disappear.

So, what do you think about this, Stephen? What do you think that people need to hear about this, who have either suffered from it or don’t want to fall prey to it?

Stephen:

I think the first thing for me, and this is a topic that’s always strange for me, because I don’t think I understand the psychology of guy who do this. Is it ego? Why would a guy shower someone with tons of attention and pronouncements of love, and lavish them with attention, if they didn’t want to actually be with them?

Matthew:

Well, I think there’s a generous interpretation of this and also a less generous interpretation. And I think that they’re not always the same person. So if I were to take the most egregious kind of love bomber, it would be someone on the spectrum of narcissism somewhere, who really enjoys someone falling in love with them. They want to come in and make you fall in love with them as quickly as possible because that’s where they get their validation. That’s what makes them feel good. So it was never really about loving you, it was about giving you, overwhelming you so much with their affection and how wonderful they are, that you fall for them immensely. And they now feel validated.

And once they feel validated, once they feel like, “Ah, I did it. I made them fall for me. Look how wonderful I am,” it’s confirmed. They can then move on.

Stephen:

But see like I’m human.

Matthew:

That’s one person.

Stephen:

I’m human, I like that attention, I like that validation. And, I totally get that. It’s nice when people are attracted to you, but maybe this is my own avoidant tendencies coming out, but I would be worried if I go too far in over-lavishing someone who I’m not that into, with attention and stuff, they’re going to feel really attached, and it’s going to be really messy to get out of that. And, if I suddenly change my mind or if I decide this isn’t the one for me, I now have created this scenario where they think we’re in love and we have something special. And I think, “Oh God, I’m really in it now.”

Matthew:

Well, I think you’re being unkind to yourself there, Stephen, because I think that that’s a sign of having a moral compass. Because, for those without a moral compass, they don’t see it as a lot of work to extricate themselves from that situation. They just say, “I’m never going to text them again. I’m just going to disappear. I’m now going to ghost them, essentially.” because that’s not something that you would ever default to, because you realize that for you, extricating yourself from something like that means carefully untangling it in a kind way, and you know the amount of work that would take. You don’t want to put yourself in that position in the first place. But someone, a lot of people don’t have your, that moral compunction that you would have in that situation. But that’s one kind of person, and I say it’s the most egregious kind for exactly that reason, because they have no conscience about disappearing as fast as they came into your life.

The second kind of person is someone who really enjoys the idea of falling in love. It’s not just about them being loved by you as a way to feel important. They truly enjoy that feeling, that high, because falling in love is a drug. It’s a literal drug. So, I’m going into enjoy the high of that drug, not to build something sustainable. When it gets to be real effort, when it gets to be that I actually have to put some work in, some structure. When I have to wake up and continue to put in effort with this person to love them, and the high in that same dizzying way is no longer there, the drug has worn off to me and it doesn’t feel how I think it’s supposed to feel anymore, so then I move on. And that suggests not… It certainly can suggest a kind of selfishness still, but it perhaps more so suggests an immaturity and an un-evolved perspective when it comes to what a relationship actually is.

So, for that person, I would argue, if we could broadly say the first person shows narcissistic tendencies, the second person shows a tremendous amount of immaturity and lack of awareness about what a relationship actually is.

Stephen:

Yeah.

Matthew:

And then, I think you have the third category of people.

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Matthew:

Quick interlude to the video. Whether you are trying to improve your relationships this year, your relationship with yourself, your career, your health, your habits, we all need confidence to achieve our goals. And this month, back by popular demand, we are doing the 30-day confidence challenge. We did it twice last year with amazing results for people. I went through it too, and really enjoyed it. And we’re all going to do the same thing this month. To get this challenge for free and be part of it with me in my tribe, go to MHChallenge.com. The link is also in the description. I can’t wait to see you there. Back to the video.

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Matthew:

There’s a Chet Baker song, Stephen, I Fall in Love Too Easily. I Fall in Love Too Fast. I Fall in Love Too Terribly Hard for Love to Ever Last. And, when I hear the lyrics of this song, I hear the third person. And the third person is, it is the person that immediately projects onto someone everything that they want in their ideal person. As soon as they feel a hint of chemistry, they immediately start to take the 5% they know about someone, and fill in the other 95% they don’t know, with their fantasy. What’s the movie, Jameson, Weird Science? Is that where the guys, the two geeky guys build their dream woman as a computer, as a robot, and they design what they think is their dream woman?

Well, I think that people do that. They design in their head their person, based on the small amount they know about someone, and they fall hard and fast for that projection. And then, when someone doesn’t live up to the projection, because how can they, they now feel like this must not be the right person after all. And this is still a kind of lack of awareness about perhaps a kind of relationship immaturity. And it’s a lack of understanding, I believe, of how so many people who come to be in strong relationships, actually end up in strong relationships. This idea is born out of this societal myth of love at first sight.

Stephen:

Yeah, is it kind of shiny object syndrome, shiny new object syndrome?

Matthew:

Well, I think it can be, but in a way that falls a little bit into the second category, that it’s exciting as long as it’s exciting, as long as it’s the drug high. But I think in the third category of people, the projection, it’s about that love at first sight myth, that I’m supposed to meet someone and be absolutely bowled over by everything that they are, instantly, and that’s the indicator of whether, how much potential this has and whether we’re going to go the distance.

And that’s incredibly dangerous, because anything that feels that good that fast has the potential to let us down, because so much of it is based on emotion, it’s not based on true compatibility, because we can’t possibly seek true compatibility at that stage. But, in addition to that, it’s neglecting. And I think a lot of people genuinely don’t understand this about so many couples. It’s a lack of understanding that love grows. Love doesn’t start, love grows. You find someone who you feel is worth going on another date with, not someone who, from the first time you meet them, keeps you up all night because you’re like, “I can’t stop thinking about them.” That’s the thing to be suspicious of, because now you’re probably basing their value on something that’s not real.

Love grows. When you find someone that you think is worth going on another date with, you’re giving love a potential, the potential to grow. And the more you connect with someone, and the more you invest in them, and the more you tease out the wonderful, hidden parts of them, and they do same for you, the more you come to realize what an incredible human being this is, and what an incredible partner this could be. And of course, it’s hard if you start with absolutely zero chemistry. If there’s not even a basic attraction there at all, that’s hard. But, having a basic attraction for each other isn’t the same as, “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t breathe without them. I immediately, I left the date and I just, I can’t wait another day to see them again,” that’s the dangerous part.

Love grows over time, and that’s something that the third kind of love bomber doesn’t appreciate, because they feel like if it’s not immediately the most compelling thing in my life, it must be a sign that I’m not that into this person. And that is the love at first sight myth.

Stephen:

Yeah. If it’s not rollercoaster, then I’m not having the high, so something’s wrong.

Jameson:

I think there’s one other category of guy that I think you haven’t slotted in yet, Matt. I think there’s a stereotype of just, “Oh, single guy. A single guy, we all know what that single guy is like. He’s this player type. He’s out there, playing the field, meeting lots of people.” And, in general, I think that’s a very small percentage of guys. More likely, someone you meet is going to have been in a couple relationships for a while that didn’t work out. And so now, this guy that’s newly single, he probably doesn’t know how to be a player, but he knows how to be a boyfriend. And, he knows, “Well, if I’m trying to… When I was trying to impress my girlfriend, I would’ve done this. I would’ve done this.” And he starts acting innocuously, or at least without bad intentions, like a boyfriend. And, that’s just how he’s, he’s sort of binary, that’s his one default. That’s his one default move.

“I can dangle this sort of idea that I’m good boyfriend material in front of you, as just me making a good impression.” And if he discovers maybe he doesn’t want anything more, then he’s like, “Uh oh, I didn’t have Stephen’s foresight to know that this was going to work, but I’m not that interested, and now I’ve just love bombed.”

Matthew:

Yeah. That’s really interesting. Yeah. And I think that guy can also be the kind of guy that, because all they know is being in a relationship, there’s find a relationship at any cost, mode. And so, they’re not necessarily truly evaluating whether the person in front of them is right for the relationship. They’re just putting wanting a relationship ahead of anything. So, they go in hard and fast, and to love as intensely as possible, but then if they ever stop to catch their breath and actually evaluate whether it’s right, they may find out it’s not. But like you say, they’ve just exercised all of their boyfriend tools immediately, because it’s all they know.

Jameson:

Yeah. And maybe it’s just that they wanted attention, and this is literally the only tool in their toolkit that they had available. They didn’t know how to be suave, they didn’t know how to do all these other things that all those other cool single guys are doing. They’re just default, love bomber.

Matthew:

They didn’t know how to have a different intensity.

Jameson:

Yeah.

Matthew:

Or a lower intensity. And, I suppose that’s a good juncture because people may say, “Well then, my God, how do I, do I have to sit there and try and decipher which one of the categories that you’ve just said someone falls into?” No, you don’t. You don’t. The answer is actually very simple for you when you are in the early stages of dating. The first is, be distrusting of any situation that has reached a unsustainable level of intensity. That doesn’t mean… And maybe distrusting-

Stephen:

Would you say unearned intensity, like early intensity?

Matthew:

Unearned intensity, but even just an unsustainable level of intensity. No relationship is going to stay at that crazy intensity. So, you may enjoy it, but be wary of it. Just be careful, and understand that you dictate the pace. You don’t have to just go along with somebody else’s pace. Whether it’s the narcissist type, who is trying to do all of these grand things, and take up all of your time and attention because of that reason, or whether it’s the person Jameson is talking about who’s doing it because they only know one speed. You can dictate the pace.

If someone wants to see you every day right now and you just met at them, you can slow them down and say… Make your own decision. “I feel comfortable maybe seeing this person a couple of times a week at this stage while I’m getting to know them.” I’m not suddenly going to free up every night for someone that I don’t know. You can decide that. And, when someone does things that perhaps you wouldn’t do that soon because they introduce you to their family and you think, “Wow, if I was introducing someone to my family, that would be a big deal to me. Therefore, if I’m being introduced to their family, that must be a big deal to them.” Don’t assume that something means the same thing to somebody else that it means to you-

Stephen:

Yeah.

Matthew:

Because it may not.

Stephen:

That’s a big one.

Matthew:

And that’s the danger is when we assume that without them having actually said it, we assume, “Oh, that must…” It’s the same as a woman saying, “Well, if I sleep with someone, that deepens my connection with them, so I wouldn’t sleep with someone unless I was ready to deepen my connection with them.” But, you should never assume. And, I know so many women who get… We coach so many women who get in trouble because they assume that sex means the same thing that it does to her. And, in some cases it does, but in a lot of cases, it doesn’t. They have a different association with what sex means. Assuming that whatever is happening right now is something they’ve attached the same meaning to as you have, is a recipe for unmet expectations. That’s why we have to bring conversation into the mix, and talk about these things. Be willing to have the conversation.

So, number one, be wary of a pace and an intensity that’s unsustainable. Number two, don’t assume something means the same thing. Oh, and I should say, for number one, you be willing to set the pace. So number one, be wary of a pace and intensity that’s unsustainable, and be willing to take the pace back. You can dictate the pace, even if they’re trying to speed it up.

Number two, don’t assume something means the same thing to somebody else as it does to you. Just because someone’s doing something that feels intense to you, it may not be intense to them, it may be what they do all the time.

And number three, measure consistency over intensity. It’s easy to think that because somebody is being grandiose in their actions, because they’re being intense in their actions, that that must be a portent for things to come. We have to say, “No. No matter how good this feels, no matter how exciting this appears, and no matter how dramatic their words and their actions seem to be, I have to stay very grounded and measure consistency of action of words, of behavior, over intensity in someone’s words, and actions, and behavior.”

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Matthew:

This next video I have for you is really, really important. Click here to watch.

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Matthew:

If narcissism can be associated with a kind of obsession with control. If I can dismantle your ego, if I can dismantle your confidence, because your confidence is a threat to my control.