I shot this a few weeks ago. It’s kind of a rant, it’s kind of fiery, but it’s a topic I’m hot about right now and that I think you’ll get a lot out of.
(For more on my Retreat programs, click here.)
Let me tell you why passion is overrated.
To clarify this: INITIAL passion is what I’m talking about here.
In my professional life I used to find myself interviewing people who were incredibly passionate about a possible job opportunity in my organisation.
The most passionate people of all would say things like, “I’ve always wanted to be a part of something like this” and “I’ll give it my all, I’ll work day and night to make this a success”.
In the beginning I’d think, ‘Wow this person really wants it. I’m going to bring this person on board’.
But the problem was that their passion was UNEARNED.
That person didn’t necessarily even know what the day-to-day of their job would be, and very often when things got tough that same person would come back to me to say, “there’s this other thing I’m really passionate about that I have to pursue. I love working with you, but there’s this thing I really have to go for.”
They’d get passionate about the next thing that came along in the same unearned way.
Passion when it’s unearned tends to be the number one quality of the dabbler.
You see it everywhere. You see people getting crazy exciting about something… and then five minutes later? They’re onto the next shiny thing having realised it’s not ‘perfect’, that it does get hard, and that they’re not going to enjoy every single minute of the day.
I’ve learned to be sceptical of initial passion.
I’ve learned that it’s much easier to find someone who can start something that it is to find someone who can finish something. People who can finish things are a lot more rare.
It takes real passion to be able to finish something; it takes a novelty to start something.
The people who are really passionate about something have a RELATIONSHIP with that thing.
If they’re passionate about a career path, they have a relationship with that career. If they’re passionate about a sport, they have a relationship with that sport. If they’re passionate about that person, they have a relationship with that person.
This is very different from showing interest in something. A relationship has ups and downs, it’s every minute of the day, and it’s something that you suffer for.
Passion comes from the Latin verb ‘pati’, meaning to suffer or endure.
That’s what passion really is. Not doing something for the sake of it or because someone else told you to, but because deep inside you have a relationship with the thing you have to endure.
The number one way women get hurt in relationships is by overvaluing initial passion, instead of valuing investment from a guy.
You know what it’s like when a guy comes up to you to tell you that you’re ‘the most incredible thing on the planet’ and that you’re ‘so beautiful and elegant’ and that he ‘must spend time with you’.
When you feel that, you know it’s unearned. How could he be so excited about you already? You see this and you’re rightly sceptical.
Carry this mentality into all of your interactions.
Start looking out for those rare moments where you find people who really give over the long-term.
When you find something you really want to do, invest in it over the long-term.
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I’m in Florida having just finished two of my Lifestyle Retreat programs. We’re going to try and get a video recorded out here to show you what it looks like. If you want to find out more about the program in the meantime, check out the main Retreat page here.
In short – excellent discussion! Love starting the day having heard and learnt something new. Nice one Matthew!
Good point Matt. Great pic of you on the sand btw. Ok, you’ve got to know that I am an undying supporter of you but in this video your face isn’t properly illuminated. There’s shadow….. can you have your lighting technicians fix that? I don’t mean to be nitpicky but I would just like to see your beautiful face is all. XX
Thank you…I appreciate that you cared enough to give the origin and meaning of word “passion”. I am very “passionate” about the word passion, because my Lord, Jesus Christ, describes the cross as His passion, and I was on His mind.
God Bless
you’re really getting better in this :) thank you so much :)
Hi Matthew. I have just completed a weeks RETREAT with you in Florida and I’m now reaping the benefits 1000 fold! Had it not been for the retreat experience I probably would have been wounded by your comments! I want to stand up in the middle of a room and declare ‘my name’s Elaine and I’m a serial dabbler!’. It makes so much more sense now that (speaking in career and interest terms) that I was looking for the next shiny thing however, I have given this a bit of thought as there was an initial punch to the pit of my stomach when you said this is the ‘quality’ of the serial dabbler. My CV is like a novel, I have had trouble committing in work as I don’t want to be pigeon holed. I can’t speak for your employee and it sounds like it was a bit of a shitty move but, I’m straight up with my employers that I won’t be hanging around. I can’t really hide from it once they see my CV. When I’m in that job they get my all. I want to earn my stripes as well as my money. I agree, with all your help from THE RETREAT that I have confused passion with enthusiasm and excitement. However, I have only been able to personally recognise the difference because I have reference points where the shiny thing I really really wanted lost its appeal. It is also the overwhelming fear that as you become better at something and potentially more in demand fear of failure or responsibility can also make the serial dabbler look for the nearest exit. I can’t speak about relationships because I have never been in one but… I have more certainty than ever and have nothing but hope and confidence in my future. I love you and my passion for you is inextinguishable (might be a made up word but I like it).
I’m spreading the good word about you and I urge anyone who knows about Matthew and the benefits he has brought to you…Do Not Keep This Gift For Yourself!! Share Him!!
Love you.
X Elaine x
That’s you! Standing in the middle of a room and making your voice be heard! Make your mooooveeeee!!!! <3
Haha. I made my move on Venice beach, I fit right in and it felt gooood! Love you!! Big Hug!! XXX
Hey Matthew fans!
I just found this great pdf http://www.matthewhussey.com/site/files/Confidence_Secrets.pdf written by Matt, and I have to say it’s genius!
Some of you may already have read it, because it’s old now- but for those of you who haven’t, I really recommend to read it !
Great job Matthew
I’m a huge fan of yours :)
xx Maria
I recently experienced initial passion…. there was a lot of sexual chemistry and attraction. After spending the entire day with that person I gave into the “deed” and lived in the moment.
He continued to call and had made plans to spend time with me the next week. That was over a week ago… and I think you nailed it Matt… initial passio = no bueno. He moved on to the next shiny thing, I over valued the situation. I thought he was great, but then realized that he didn’t call, text, or make plans the second week. That I wasn’t getting anything out of it except emotional baggage from the decision I made. If he was truly amazing and passionate about me then he would be wanting to spend time with me like he did when I first met him.
I would like to request that you make a video on how to get back with an ex smoothly. Without looking desperate and clingy. Thanks Matthew.
Please come to Ireland love your videos :-)
I applaud everything in this video.
On the amusing side, if we examine films and stories such as Romeo and Juliet and apply these new principals – it changes the story completely. Our lovestruck couple did not have love at first sight, they worked hard to prove to their families their love and commitment and united the two feuding families and they lived happily ever after! … Yeah, probably won’t sell as good.
I freak out when a guy I’ve met once texts me once too many times because I haven’t text back, I’m like hold on mate (‘Cause I’m proper Yorkshire like that init) – If a guy I barely knew was professing love, breaking into my house to see me, I’d call the police!
Despite sounding like a miserable old goat I’m actually a romantic at heart.
Hi everyone,
Obviously then passion would only be created by things being worth the ‘endurance’, i.e. high value?
I was wondering… Is it ever too late to become of value to someone? Such as if you were just seeing them in a physical capacity?
Any thoughts/opinions on this? Stories/experiences?
Thanks!
Wow, this is a real eye opener for me. I have fallen into this trap. I think it’s because I’m sort of shy and date men who choose me instead of me choosing them. Therefore, I don’t date often and spend many weekends home. When a man shows a lot of interest, I fall for it. Then I realize I rushed into the relationship and his feelings weren’t genuine, etc, etc. Thanks again, Matthew
Although I’ve enjoyed Matthew’s work for some time, I’ve never left a comment before. This video really strikes a chord. There are so many people who are like this in life and relationships. An even darker side of this same idea happens with the tendency of controlling and even abusive people to initially put their objects of desire on a pedestal and shower them with passion. This can be so initially intoxicating, and unfortunately it’s a reality check when the person who seemed to be so passionate and charming starts to be controlling and expect one to live up to the unrealistic “pedestal.” This video is such a great and wise reminder to look carefully past the passionate words for the actions and the character beneath. Matthew offers quiet words filled with depth and wisdom and those who listen will benefit.
YES; it is overrated. As a newbie indie screenwriter; I watched all the screen writers at a meeting; drop out one by one. I spent blood, sweat, making mistakes and hours to finally make a movie for film festivals. My filmmaker knows this about screenwriters; they expect everyone to do endure and suffer and do all the work for them to make it happen with no to little budget. Passion is when it’s in your heart and nothing will stop you; no matter how hard. My filmmaker watched me never give up; no matter how many obstacles there were. Romantic passion- when someone comes along intensely passionate to soon…be wary. It’s concerning and scary…Why are they so passionate? (That’s about them and it’s not good) Don’t trust it or be charmed by it.
Absolutely, passion needs to be earned.
I think I’ve had the opposite problem. I tend to get involved with guys when there’s no passion; when it’s easy, and safe, and boring. I want to feel that initial passion everybody talk about.
Oh! I’m in love with this video. I have to heep it in mind for the days I feel low and tired even though I know I’m doing what I like (drawing). Thanks :)
Such a spot-on reflection on the definition of the word passion. The world needs great thinkers – thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Thank you for challenging ideas and common sense. “Passion” is something I’ve contemplated for years now, and I agree – up and downs are as dynamic as the nature is dynamic: We have winter and summer; We experience periods of sorrow and happiness, in various degrees or levels. If we numb one feeling, we numb all our feelings. And the fear of feeling shitty and down can be overwhelming at times. Maybe it’s a sign of courage to allow oneself to process the bad feelings? Maybe having a ‘passion’ means to challenge ones fears – and maybe that’s why following ones passions can be so fulfilling, because it’s a victory over ones Self.
Wish u joy and love <3,
Ingrid
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So I was watching this on YouTube and suddenly I realized that I am a dabbler. I have a lot of passion, for a lot of different things, initially and then it quickly fades. There are few things in life that I have genuinely stuck with and continued to be passionate about long term. How do I change my dabbler personality?
“Passion when it’s unearned tends to be the number one quality of the dabbler.”… brilliant insight!
I’d never thought of it that way, and as a prior ‘victim’ of (and sucker for) passion, I should get that tattooed! :-)