Here’s an interesting one, the introvert. Everyone knows one and wants them to do better in life or in relationships, because it seems they are just a little too scared to push the boundaries. So what do you do if you date one? How can you get them out of their shell and be a bit more adventurous? Here’s how:
The Introvert…
Main Entry: introverted
Function: adjective
Etymology: from Latin intro- “inward” + vertere “to turn”
Date: 1781
1: introspective
2: reticent
3: withdrawn
Contrary to popular belief, aside from on the surface, shyness and introversion have very little connection! People often think the two are synonymous, and yes a thesaurus might offer ‘shy’ as a synonym for ‘introvert’ but they are fundamentally two very different characteristics.
Someone that is shy exhibits signs of nervousness, uneasiness and apprehension whereas the definition of an introvert is someone who is energized by being along. Shyness at it’s root is due to a lack of confidence, but an introvert can in fact be ten times more confident that a lot of extroverts; however we usually judge confidence on how loud someone is.
Introverts crave to be encapsulated with their own mind: they love keeping themselves to themselves; letting their imaginations run wild exploring the world of their thoughts, feelings and emotions. And as a result they can appear to be reluctant to fully engage in social situations. Whilst a big social gathering or a party will ignite a new vivacity in a lot of extroverts, it will actually drain an introvert’s enthusiasm.
This may sound crazy to any extroverts reading this, but its true… introverts desire to be quietly introspective.
When they’re out at a party, they can’t wait to get home and start reading a book! But if you’re currently seeing someone and you’re worried they’re a little too ‘shy’ for your liking, fear not: I recently read a statistic that said that ‘introverts make up around 60% of the ‘gifted population’, but only about 25% of the population as a whole,’ so if you’re reading this, you most likely just found yourself quite the catch!
So what causes us to be either an introvert or an extrovert?
I don’t want to embark on the whole controversy of the nature/nurture debate, but what I will say is that some people grow up more disposed to an introverted personality whilst others have conversely been in an environment whereby they’ve never have to really come out of their shell. It’s hard to really put a finger on it, especially if you’re trying to separate shyness from introversion, as they really are two completely separate things. But fundamentally, people are shy because of insecurity or a fear of what other people think, and introverts are introverted because that’s where they get all their emotional energy.
But the important thing to point out is that no one is shy around everyone.
There has never been anyone to walk the earth that was shy around everyone. So with that in mind, you can automatically deduce that it’s always possible to get someone to a point with you where they don’t exhibit the same qualities as they do around other people. I actually think that this type of circumstance can be quite endearing; it can really build a bond between two people as it’s like you’re seeing this side to them that no one else ever sees.
But what can I do just to get him out of his shell a little more?
What you’ll slowly start to appreciate is that introversion is deeply rooted in someone’s psychology; it’s not something one can change overnight, and it should be something you want to change overnight. However there are steps that can be taken to bring out the best in people, and it’s only fair that these introverts share their brilliant minds and ideas with the rest of us!
Firstly it’s important that you encourage all of the behaviour you want.
If you want him to be more sociable, or more expressive, you have to give him massive encouragement, for any changes he makes in the right direction. Alternatively if ever you were to criticize, condemn or complain about his personality, it will only ingrain it further as he will then start to consciously label himself as ‘shy’ or introverted.
Secondly, whatever you want him to do; do more of it yourself.
At a lot of my seminars I talk about the Principle of Reciprocity. What I mean by this is that what you give off in terms of your vibe and energy is often what you get back in social interactions. If you want him to be more expressive and passionate, you have to initiate it in the relationship. You have to share things that are more intimate than what you normally share, and what you will find is that he will reciprocate in return.
So there you have it, the introvert. Let us know what you think…
There’s a guy in my class (we’re grade 12 students) whom I can’t seem to tell if he’s a player or an introvert…or shy…
He doesn’t seem to talk much to people that he isn’t close to and he doesn’t seem to flirt with all the girls and he doesn’t talk much in class either.
But he seems to enjoy parties unlike what you said about just wanting to get home. And I heard from his friends that he has a lot of girlfriends (this I have actually experienced). When I first moved to the school, he liked a friend of mine who was also a new student and he was actually taking action, but then he stopped liking her after about a month. And then there was a rumour that he liked me, but then again he stopped not so long after that.
And plus, he’s actually quite good looking… :D
Hi! I think this kind of peronality is the most interesting, I like beeing challenged by a shy-introvert guy. I sing in sort of a glee club in university, since I met a guy in there I became extremely instanly interested in him, I never heard a word from his mouth, since one day he said hi to me. A few weeks later, we went to a restaurant with the other members of the club and suddenly he began treating me as if he already knew me… We spent the whole night talking about everything, he seemed to like me & we had a lot in common. After reading somme of your articles I I found out that I used, without paying atention, a lot of tips. Unfortunately I left the place too early & we don’t have each other phone numbers so I found him on facebook, the problem is that he barely uses it so… I decided to send him a message wondering if he wants to go out with me to have a drink & I don’t know if I did the right think or if there’s no hope. Sorry about my english, I’m from Spain so… :)
Sara
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Hey, I was actually getting to know an introverted guy not long ago and everything was going well until I said something really stupid :( its quite a long story: He actually confessed it took him three weeks to work up the courage and give me his phone number. I texted him the day after he gave it to me and we started texting and talking ever since. Two weeks after that we went out for lunch and I really thought he was going to at least kiss me but he didn’t. Before all this I told him my bad experiences and my most recent one which it was with one of his former coworkers. I asked him why he gave me his number and in all the reasons he told me he thought I was attractive and wanted to hang out. After we went home lunch he texted me telling me he had a great time and that he was looking forward to going out again, in the conversation the topic came up of us being something more and he told me he liked taking things slow and that since we both agreed to seeing each other again that were having a good start. Here comes the stupidity, after a week I started to realize that I was liking him. See, my intentions were to be friends with him not yo actually like him and that’s exactly what was happening so i cancelled a dinner we had scheduled and since i was sick he said it was okay that he wanted ne to get well. I sent him flowers apologizing for cancelling, it was a beet mug with some white flowers as the “foam” he said he liked them and that they were very unique. So we scheduled another date for dinner that same week and all of the sudden i cancelled and i told him that it was best if we didn’t see each other for my own good!!!! He said in the text that if that’s what i wanted so be it that he didn’t have time for roller coasters that he was too tired. It has been about a week since that and i texted him to say hi and ask him of his well being but i haven’t gotten a reply back. Just two days ago i texted him that liked him a lot and that i had good but different intentions with him other than friends. He hasn’t replied back and i don’t know what to do. I want this man, i haven’t been in a relationship in like two years and he’s actually the first guy I’ve actually dated since then. I like him a lot and i miss him as a person, as a friend, and as someone I’m really interested in. I don’t know how to get him back, if i may say, he’s really an introverted guy and i just don’t know what to do. Can someone out there give me an advice???? :(
I don’t understand why you cancelled a second time when things seemed to be going well. Was it because you feared that he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship?
I thought you’d cleared that early on with him saying that he likes to take things slowly. I would just hive him space now. He may feel rejected at being cancelled on twice I. A row and not sure that uou will be committed to a future date.
what about ME being the introverted one?…
=(
This is all worded as if to imply that introversion is some form of disorder which can, and should, be corrected. Introversion is no more an abnormality than extroversion. It does not require “fixing”.
No one is owed the “brilliant minds” of introverts (which is another common false assumption–a person is not magically “brilliant” or otherwise highly intelligent just because he/she is an introvert). Introverts and extroverts, alike, have incredibly brilliant intellectual gifts to offer. However, having an idea does not obligate a person to share it with the world.
The person who is looking to change their date (whether it’s an introvert or extrovert) is most likely dating the wrong person. A successful relationship includes an appreciation for a person’s individual qualities as well as his/her imperfections.
Seeing how Matt is an introvert himself, I doubt that this is his intention. I admit I’d rather have a more detailed explanation to the issue, though.
You are thinking about it as “changing” his personality, which certainly isn’t the case – not to mention that an introvert can occasionally very well act like an extrovert (it will still drain his energy, of course). And that one acts much much more open towards those who are close to him. Nevermind being talkactive.
The important thing to note down is that many introverts are much more reluctant to offer personal information, stories and the like. That does not mean that they are less communicative by default nor does it mean that they have no intention of doing so.
They are, however, slower doing so. Need more time to feel comfortable – the tips shown here encourage him to feel comfortable opening up. To feel welcome doing so and to be appreciated for what they are thinking.
It won’t change their introversion, but they will be likelier to talk about their thoughts and specifically personal information, because they will feel comfortable and appreciated for doing so.
It’s neither fixing nor changing the underlying personality trait
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Shhe is in no way dismayed or dishearten in the adverse periods
when she seems to be declaring:I recalll time – In colours of hurt – Yett I dream dream.
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Introverts are absolutely expressive, they simply do it.differently than extroverts. Instead of trying to “fix” an introvert why dont extroverts change THEIR way of thinking and see the world through somebody else’s eyes. Im so tired of extroverts thinking that introverts are just lost extroverts begging to be saved.