I’ve spoken many times in these blogs about what makes a high value woman.
Because of this, sometimes Matt or I will be accused me of not paying enough attention to the men’s side of things. For example, I’ve often read comments asking “Why not write a piece about what men have to do in order to keep a great woman?”, and more recently, a reader who asked “How do I tell the difference between a high or low value man?”
Ok. I’ll bite.
Usually when confronted with these questions I have a stock answer, which is simply that, were I writing for a male audience, of course I would have a great deal more to say about what men should be doing to impress women and improve themselves (and I have much to say on both).
But then I realized: it can only be a constructive and useful exercise to talk about how the best men ought to behave in relationships.
I don’t want to patronize anyone here by assuming you don’t know a good guy from a creep or a selfish a**hole when you see one. But it never hurts to be reminded of the standard of treatment you should expect from any man in a relationship.
I’m very particular about the close male friends with whom I keep company. And I’ve realized the ones I truly respect, that is, those I would recommend to women as great boyfriend material, all share certain traits in common.
So, from my experience, here are the sure signs you’re dating a high-value guy:
He cares about seeing you play at your best
A great guy has no interest in seeing you scale back your ambitions so that he can feel good about himself.
On the contrary, he loves to see you flourish. For him, supporting your success only means more excitement and adventure. He loves seeing what you make of your life and cares about protecting your dreams.
In short, the high-value guy lives to see you playing at an extraordinary level.
He isn’t afraid of you over-taking him
Guys worth dating aren’t fussed about out-earning you or worried about who is further ahead in their career.
He won’t get insecure because you happen to be a lawyer or have a PhD, nor will he fret about your substantial paycheck. He doesn’t measure his life in competition with yours, because (would you believe it?) he has self-esteem and measures his life on more than just achievement.
He wants to provide for you
This one might seem like it immediately invalidates the previous point, but it doesn’t.
Here’s why: Even though he’s fine with you over-taking him financially, a high-value guy still wants to be someone who can provide for you in all kinds of ways.
This doesn’t mean he wants to pay for everything, but he’ll work hard to be the kind of man who can protect and serve you, whether by being emotionally strong, financially independent, or by being able to treat you to incredible experiences and indulgent surprises.
He’s turned on by your independence
“Damsel in constant distress” is not sexy to a high-value guy.
A man worth being with delights in seeing you handle your own life (even if he loves to help now and then), and will want to encourage anything that promotes your autonomy and independence.
While every man loves to feel needed, only insecure daddy-type guys seek to acquire importance by seeing you helpless and entirely dependent on them.
He’s responsive to your needs, even if he doesn’t always get them right first time
Ok, he might not know the *exact* words that turn you on most right away, or he might not realise that “quality time” is your love language, or he may not know that handwritten birthday cards make you melt.
But he learns. And responds when he drops the ball and gets it wrong.
The best guy isn’t a mind-reader, but he is an expert at following the signs if you make them clear enough.
Just enjoy it (and for god’s sake let him know how happy his effort makes you – positive reinforcement works!). Showing him that you notice and appreciate his listening skills is the best way to get more of it.
He doesn’t need to be asked twice to come and help you out of a bind
You’re in trouble? You need help with your university paper and want someone to come and read it at 4am the night before submission? You need to be saved from your family?
He’ll jump out of bed and into his car to come and save you before you’ve even put down the phone. He might not like the “damsel in constant distress”, but the “damsel having an occasional freak out” will make him drive all night like a knight riding to save a princess.
He won’t take your crap
Be warned: high-value guys have high expectations. If you’re ok with that, this will only raise your game.
He’s strong, and that means he doesn’t put up with draining people in his life.
He has no interest in indulging complaining and doesn’t have time to waste endlessly going over old problems or moaning about the past.
If you’re being unreasonable, he’ll tell you. To your face. Like a man. In other words, be ready for a guy who will stand up for himself and won’t stand for being walked over.
He takes care of his life with minimal fuss
High value guys limit the amount of time they spend wallowing in self-pity after a setback. They are responsive in the face of failure and spring into action at the sight of problems rather than falling apart.
Of course, he’s still human. And vulnerable. Which is a good thing. So sometimes he’ll need love and reassurance that everything will be ok. But then he’ll be back on his feet and fighting to get a grip again.
When the castle crumbles, he’s the one who starts stacking bricks to rebuild the fortress.
He cares about keeping small promises
In the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy, the son tells his father: “If you break little promises, you’ll break big ones.”
This is essentially the philosophy of a high value guy. It’s his code. He doesn’t feel ok simply shrugging his shoulders when he promised to pick up your shopping on the way home and just forgot. He kicks himself when he promised he’d book that restaurant and it totally slipped his mind.
The idea of not living up to his word is death to him. As it should be for all of us.
Speaking of which…
He chooses his words carefully
A guy who is great relationship material says nothing idly. He doesn’t make empty proclamations of love that he doesn’t feel in his heart.
He won’t say trite phrases or go through the motions if he thinks he’s just using cheap sentiment to soothe you without addressing the real problem.
If he says he adores you, he means it.
He’ll comfort you. He’ll stroke your hair and tell you you’re incredible. But he won’t make everything sound easy or simple when it’s not. Because he cares about big ideas like Truth and Honesty.
He wants to improve without needing to be asked
Great guys are always looking for ways to be better.
He doesn’t want to get healthy because you asked him to, he wants to do it because he takes pride in caring about his body.
He reads books not to show off, but because he takes education seriously.
He seeks adventure not to impress you, but because he wants to grab life and suck up experiences while he’s on this earth.
He seeks success because he wants to fulfil his potential, not because he arbitrarily wants a bigger paycheck.
At his core, he’s self-motivated. That might sometimes mean he tries a bit harder than he needs to, but that’s a much better problem to have than having a lazy man who never makes an effort.
He’ll “grasp nettles”
I stole this one from advertising genius David Ogilvy, who wrote “leaders grasp nettles”.
What Ogilvy meant by this is that leaders in life are willing to do the difficult action that no-one else will. This is the same of any high-value guy. He doesn’t run from the difficult or sensitive conversation. He confronts problems. He makes the difficult phone call.
He doesn’t put off troubles hoping they’ll just blow over. Which is why others respect him and look up to him.
He’ll invest in the relationship without losing himself in it
Maybe it sounds romantic to think of the Edward Cullen obsessive-love type boyfriend, but in the real world a high-value guy is capable of falling loving without obsessing (he can still be passionate and intense, just not in the creepy stalker-esque way vampire romance novels portray it).
Guys who are well-balanced have multiple sources of joy in their world. Friends. Family. Fulfilling work. Because they’ve learnt how to be happy being single first (as I’ve spoken about before).
All of these are important to him, even if eventually you become the most important thing to him.
He listens to what you tell him and responds
As mentioned earlier, high value guys want to make you happy. And this means they listen. They look for clues. They are endlessly curious about you as their partner and want to understand your mind.
You’ll usually see this in the amount of thought he puts into gifts and trips, particularly if it involves things he’s clearly decided based on your previous conversations.
Of course, that does NOT mean he’ll always get it right. Even high-value guys will sometimes get it completely wrong and screw up badly (we have to be realistic, after all). But crucially, he’ll keep trying to fulfil your needs. He’ll remember when he messed up and adjust his behaviour. And if you communicate your standards well, he’ll strive to live up to them.
He has unique pairings
High value guys, like high value women, don’t rely on a single personality trait.
He can be intellectual and deep, but he can also be exciting and totally silly. He’s comfortable being sexual, but he’s also a gentleman and has class. He’s fiercely loyal, but ready to double-down on his principles when his view differs from everyone else’s.
The best people always embody both sides of the coin.
He builds a future with you
The high-value guy who is serious about you will want to make you the strongest team in the world. He’s loyal and wants to find ways to bring you closer together, which means he thinks about the future with you and discusses it openly.
That doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily move quickly, but it does mean he wants to invest in the relationship and make your emotional connection stronger so that he can share his world with you.
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So there it is.
I feel like these traits could go on and on, so I’m fascinated to know what you think I’ve missed or what you might add to this list. Let me know in the comments below!
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Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
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….and then he cheats and makes all of the above obsolete
Articles like this bugs me every time. When someone places their truth as if it is my truth, in this case a man telling me what guy is the best for me. I know what a “high value man” is for me, I don’t need an article to tell me that.
(speaking of reducing someone and try to fit them into a concept) a person is always more than a silly article’s concept.
Just confirms I was married to a ” low value” man…… Has my suspicions but I guess it’s offici now!!
Onwards and upwards
Keeping a man sounds like so much work, maybe that’s why I am still alone.
Well i know a man who has all these above described qualities.
But still i find him shallow, my intuition says that he isnt what he potrays.
He doesnt like commitments but to overcome his loneliness he want to be in a part time relationship.
When I met him, his thoughts impressed me a lot, he is quite liberal, rational and open. he wasnt narrow minded like other guys, neither possesive nor clingy, he told me i can have my freedom, nothing would change after i commit to him, i can do all those things which i enjoyed when i was single and give them my priority.He told me he loves me a lot. And all these beautiful views of him made me fall for him. I thought i have got that right man i always wanted. But when I am with him, i can never feel that love, his eyes are always wondering of on other women, he tells me he wants to be in polygamous relationship.
the qualities he described he needs in a woman, i cant meet those, i myself told him each and every flaw i have and he motivated me to change for my good, he always listen to my problems, he encourages me to complete my education and get a job and become independent. If he really loves me why dont he want to get committed, and if doesnt love me why he is so keen on bringing positivity and happiness in my life……
He says He never had a gf before in his life, so thats why he doesnt want me to leave, he is very much happy about the idea that atleast there is someone who loves him, he isnt lonely anymore (though he is quite social and has a big circle of friends)
well I beleive a high value man would be honest and loyal and get committed to only a single woman matching his standards rather than being stuck with someone who doesnt have those qualities he wants in his woman just to overcome his loneliness
I am so confused regarding this man…what he has for me is it mere lust or he loves me ? Confused :(
Pardon my english , and the length of the post, and i know everything is a bit confusing too, cause right now i am just out of my mind :-C
He is using you as a time killer. His statement about becoming independent etc., says how he feels about having a future with you.
He refuses to ‘settle’ for you and his desire to have multiple partners stems from feeling trapped somehow or stuck if you will, in the relationship.
While he may love you, based on the info you provided it is more like a platonic love, non-romantic.
To hold being high value over his head, ‘he would commit to a single woman,’ etc. Is a grasp at straws.
We all can stand to grow and my suggestion to you is, be what you want or aim lower. Best wishes love.
Most likely right. Or that could be his sexuality. Either way, odds do not look good for him to just decide you are the only one.
Talk to HIM. Not to your mom. Not to your ex. Not to your best friend. Not to a stranger. And for HEAVEN’S SAKE not to a friend named Jessica! Talk to him. Give HIM a chance to listen. Give HIM a chance to talk. Give HIM a chance to be vulnerable. Give HIM a chance to be loved. Do it without fear. Do it without aniexty. Do it without any expectations good or bad.
Exactly,
Communication is the key to any long lasting relationship. Expecting someone to “just know” is a recipe for relationship disaster.
A high value man will not expect you to read his mind, even when he thinks it’s obvious, he will talk to you before he acts in a negative manner. Why? He is strong in himself, he will communicate respectfully, he is not afraid he will “damage the relationship” as what kind of relationship is it if you can’t talk. Also, a high value man realizes that not everyone thinks alike, because he pays attention to individuality not fitting the world into stereotypes. So you think when you drop hint x, y and z it’s obvious the response you want. Think again, dropping hints to get help is passive aggressive and low value.
Talk, he will listen.
Awesome! I was really amazed about your 15 sure signs you’re dating a high value man. Thats his my man. Unfortunately we have been done for almost 2 weeks thats why the pain is still here with me. I am always reading a good advice like yours to ease the pain of what I am struggling as of now. Thank you so much for the wisdom and God bless you more so that you could help more people like me in times like this. Best regards! Victoria.
Thank you for the article!!
It hit the nail on several points but the parts that I liked were having difficult conversations and helping d other to grow. I am talking with a guy who is like this and plus he keeps on saying ‘you build a relationship and not rush into it’, so I really get the part of the guy not moving quickly.
Thank you once again
Oh, geez…where to begin. I liked the article. I’m sure there are a number of men out there that possess several of these qualities at one time– all of the time. There might even be more than a few guys that possess them all, but not all of the time and there might be a handful of them that possess these characteristics 24/7. However, I am having a hard time believing that they exist in numbers that would be sufficient as to accommodate the number of single, high-value women out there who will now be looking (and fighting tooth and nail) for them.
Maybe some will even think they have found him and others who will say they married him…but more probable is that you will get many more women who will say 5, 10, or 15 years later, they thought that was who they married.
If this guy existed in such numbers, the divorce rate would not be more than 53% of the married population because there isn’t a woman in her right mind who would divorce him.
To be quite honest, I would settle for having this person as a friend (yes, even with bennies) because if he was all he said he would be or was, he would help me to be the high-value woman I’m sure he would command, but that if I became, I would see no need to marry. LOL
We keep raising the bar and we do it at the expense of our own potential happiness.
I’ve come to really appreciate Matt and Stephen a great deal and I ADORE them, but sometimes they can be guilty of painting a picture that we’d all love to jump into, but one that only Mary-Poppins can enter.
That being said; another quality that would be a must on that list is the ability to make me, at best, laugh; at the bare minimum smile. Stephen Hussey achieved both today.
I always look forward to the posts, videos and blogs. That sometimes make my day.
Completely agree. And despite what some people are saying, these guys really do exist! Most guys out there also possess the ability to meet all of these qualities, but you may not always meet them at the right point in life. And sometimes they may only be the high value man, for the right high value woman. It goes both ways. I met my high value man at the right time and I happened to be the right woman for him.
Wow…..ok so the guy I’m dating is a douche bag and the guy that’s into me is essentially a keeper. Wtf is wrong with me!!!
JUST WOW!!! Stephen, you just made me believe in my dreams and that these super guys exists! It was a super fabulous read. But I wonder how will I meet This Guy, and where? Anyways happy reading from you. Thank you so much.. :)
Omg I’m so using this checklist to “invest check” every guy I date. I fall so fast and hard, this is already steering me away from the no-no’s (though really nice ones!) and towards the great guys for me. Plus, you cobfirmed what I knew but just wouldn’t accept early on. Thanks a mil Stephen. p.s. Now do one on us ladies. ;)
Just be careful of the “He Provides for You” trait.
Not the best way to say it as the phrase “provide for” has negative connotations of paying for everything, taking care of your emotions (no matter how unreasonable they are), etc. A better way to say it is he wants to be there for you. A high value guy often has had experiences with low value women who want the guy to basically pay for their life in all ways. That is highly unattractive to a high value guy, he doesn’t want a dependent he wants a partner.
A high value guy, especially one well to do and attractive, will screen out women who seem to always expect him to pay for things.
Always offer to split the tab on the first date, and even later. Don’t be offended if he accepts your offer, and don’t be surprised if he pays. He needs to know his value to you has nothing to do with the material things in life he can provide.
People who are interested in you for the material things you can provide them are a dime a dozen.
Just a lovely reminder how lucky I am to have him. Thanks much.
Now… where is this guy? I know exactly… two. And both are in a relationship. As long as it is so I strongly rely on myself for fulfillment. And even if I’d find, someone I’d do so. So in the end, I don’t know if I really should keep on thinking about this future scenario of having a typical man-woman-children familiy at, especially when good material is so rare ;)
They exist but just not for long on dating sites, because as soon as they find what they believe to be a high value women they are no longer on the dating sites.
I work in scientific jury selection so I travel for a living and on arriving in a new urban area, I can look at Yelp reviews for 20 minutes and find a bar that will have 3 or 4 single guys that I think are pretty high quality, during happy hour.
What do you look for in a guy? I usually want:
1) graduate or professional degree from a top school (like if he was a lawyer he would have to have gone somewhere that Big Law recruits from.)
2) lives in a downtown loft/ condo, or live in one of the 650 super zip codes, or live on an inherited estate.
3) someone that has the pedigree but doesn’t have to (or preferably doesn’t) work for a living–I can do bad all by myself.
4) bottom line if he can’t afford a) to take off a couple of weeks a year to go to Europe, b) $20k each a year for private school tuition for future kids c) a summer house on the beach, and a d) winter cabin for ski trips–then a man really is not of the social or economic caliber to get married or start a family so I don’t want him.
My problem is not so much that I can’t find a man, I find acceptable men all the time. I just don’t want to give up my job and in 20 years my husband runs off with a younger model leaving me with nothing. As I am sure most women are aware–any quality man has a quality prenup.
I really enjoy studying on this site, it contains wonderful articles. “A short saying oft contains much wisdom.” by Sophocles.
This was very helpful. I’m excited to see who will enter my life and know the qualities to look for.
Once again you and Steven were on point !
I can’t get enough of y’all
Keep it coming
I can’t wait to see and meet y’all in Nov!!!
Finally! An article about the type of guy I’m looking for. I’m sharing with all my guy friends, some who are high value, others who try really hard to be but aren’t quite there yet. And keeping it as a reminder to myself that to have a high value man, I HAVE to be a high value woman. Thank you Steven.
I really enjoyed this article, however, finding a guy with those qualities seems too good to be true. I feel like there are men who would posses a few of those qualities at a time, but not all of them at once. I would have a better time finding a fictional character with those all of those attributes.
Nevertheless, your article was insightful.