There’s a fatal mistake people make when planning a first date…
It was the root of every awkward date you’ve ever been on, and can actually make you come off as desperate in his eyes.
The solution couldn’t be simpler, and it’s something you can employ on your very next date. Enjoy!
Lol did the bowling thing and I kicked his butt!!!!!! Haha!!! It was fun though and he showed that he could handle losing…… We wagered for coffee the following week…. I won either way!!!!! Now THATS strategy!!!!!:)))
HI Matt,
First, thank you for continuing to inspire women all over to lead an empowered existence, while navigating the choppy waters of the modern day dating scene. Personally, I have benefited from your motivational prep talks before braving many a date.
My question below is more about post-dating experience.
I am a reasonably confident, attractive and independent woman of 35. I am a legal professional and I recently started dating a 29yo who is also a lawyer. We had a perfect unplanned impromptu first date. There was instant chemistry between us (which I am wary of).
He seemed very keen from the start, but I couldn’t be sure of his intentions. We are intellectually compatible and share many common interests, values and beliefs. We do make an effort to get to know one another on our dates. He can be very dominant at times but he has always been a gentleman and respected my boundaries when I say no.
We are up to our 4th date now. Although I enjoyed all our dates, I can’t help but feel a hang up after each one. I don’t know if it is just my insecurities, but I feel like I may never see or hear from him again after each date. Apart from our first date, he ended our dates with no indication of a follow up. (Of course, I know better than putting him on the spot and asking him when I would see him next.)
I know I should just ride it out and live my own life. What will be, will be. I am beginning to feel maybe he’s not a good influence on my emotional well being, starting to feel like a junkie who is not sure when she can get the next hit.
As much as I like him, and hate the idea of cutting him loose. But I feel like if a guy values you, he would actively make sure his dates know where she stands. Or is that asking too much for the first month of dating? If he asks me out again, should I raise the issue with him? And how? Should it really be this hard?
Looking forward to some guidance. Thank you.
Hello,
My computer isn’t currently working; so I found other means to at least read the responses to blogs.
Interestingly, I printed out one of his previous blogs
‘3 Rules To Get A Man To Commit And Fall in Love.
I recommend you read it; it will ABSOLUTELY guide you with your situation.
In fact, Matthew actually brings up the situation in this blog about dating someone FOUR weeks or so.
I recommend you follow his 3 rules. And always, keep living your magnificent life with or without a man. FOR YOURSELF!!!! and for when you get together with this man or meet other men.
And please know I can identify with that horrible uncertainity of not knowing where you stand. This man may not yet know what he yet wants. So be fun and Celebrate Life. Remember all that is wonderful about you and shine.
Wishing you calm and peace,
Jacqueline
My home computer still isn’t working, so I am only able to read comments or blogs; not videos. But, after thinking about your situation; I’ve changed my mind. I would start to feel resentful and anxious with the uncertainty where I stand after each date. Yet, is is still the beginning. The only way to deal with this is to sincerely fully live your OWN life. In addition, consider dating other men or at least flirt for fun and to make you feel great about yourself. Break the Sat. night date night routine; if that’s when you get together and get together on a Sunday afternoon instead. ie. craft shows, a walk, musuem, car show, etc.
I would love for Matthew to respond to this situation because it will happen to most of us.
@DatingWarriorPrincess
Hey princess. People come in their own way of happiness. Let me tell you something. If you be alone for the rest of your life no one really cares. If you end up making beautiful kids with Matthew Hussy still no one cares. This is your game, your fight. Don’t do this half hearted. And don’t be afraid of competition. 20 year olds are nothing like you. They are girls. You are woman. Get out LET GO OF YOURSELF. Block negative thoughts before they start. If things go south then remember you are a strong women and that is life. Move on.
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I am a 33 YO guy dating coach for men.
I go on average 3 dates a week. Mostly women between 30 and 35. I do this first of all because I love cuddles and intimacy and also I share my experience with others and teach them what I learn. A lot of people don’t get out this much. I have been on 75 dates since Christmas. About what you feel, I give you my 2 cent. This is what I see in 90% of women 30+ :
– They automatically come up with reasons why they shouldn’t do it. This is because of a mixture of things
1- Fear of another failure. Fear of loosing “another one”. Hasn’t happened yet, it’s not gonna happen for now on either.
2 – Insecurities. God look at my wrinkles, my bum, or any other physical imperfection
3 – Lack of comfort. Not so many men out there know how to make a woman feel comfortable. Most people are socially retarded. Not only that without you realizing your brain fast forwards and when it comes to sex there is absolutely no comfort to think about letting a totally stranger do it. Usually any long term relationship I have been in, it has taken average 8 months for my ex to stop calling me and move on. Because when women build a love temple with a guy, by nature it’s their home. It takes a long time to let go of that.
4 – It’s dangerous. Women’s brain is the winner of Nobel prize for coming up with reasons not to have sex. Yes sex is dangerous. It could kill you with stds and all. Or give you a baby you don’t necessarily want.
Sometimes it takes 3 weeks of texting and 8 times cancelling for a women ( 30+ ) until she realizes “oh this guy is normal, he is adding value to my life, he doesn’t want anything now lets go on”.
This is why I actively keep in touch with several quality professional women at the same time. It’s rare that one of them has the courage to move forward without making irrational decisions.
Also if the man you are seeing is not a “leader” by nature you are going to have a hard time getting over these doubts.
Good luck and love love love
Hi Mat. If you have been dating someone for 6 months and discussing a future together, but you are not friends on facebook and both still on dating websites, is this something to be worried about?
Profiles on dating sites can be hidden temporarily and then deleted. If you’re still trolling, you’re not serious. If he doesn’t want to be your Facebook friend then my experience is he’s hiding something. 9 years later you don’t want to wake up with egg on your face because you’re the only one that’s actually IN the relationship. Trust me, it’s the pits.
I don’t think he even reads these comments anymore. It’s his marketing team who reply. He has been commercialized like every other successful man.
Matt IS very busy – but he and his brother occasionally troll through the comments and reply personally. That’s the key to Matt’s success: he’s a personable guy :)
I do agree about the dinner for first date issue: I made this mistake twice even though I’d done the women’s weekend… I felt rather pressurised to accept the dinner date and in one case at least it was awful for me within the first few minutes… Some people seem very insistent on the dinner or lunch, though, and seem to take offence if you follow the short first date rule…
Ladies, one of the best ideas for a first date is- the ice skating rink! (If there are at least, a little attraction from both parties.)
If you both are pros, you both get to show off some skills.
If only one of you is a pro, the pro gets to teach the amateur. And the amateur would have to grab the pro for support on the ice. ;)
If both of you are amateurs, you both would have to figure the skating part yourselves together, while grabbing each other for support the whole time. Maybe even fall over each other, literally. *hahahahaha*
Amazing tip! Loved it!
Can’t you do a video about turning guys down gently and how to put guys in the friend zone?
For years, I have stuck with planning first dates either at a coffee shop or bar for the exact reason pointed out in the video. Unfortunately, I learned it from experience…one too many dinner dates gone bad. Once I started doing this, it took the worry out of having to endure an entire meal with someone I have nothing in common with. Great advice!!
Totally agree w dividing date into compartments- it works always!
And I always drive myself, tell a close contact where I’m going & w whom.
I’m very independent & generally busy w my own interests, hobbies and I don’t date because I need support or reassurance. I’m happy w me & if something works great & if not then I’m just honest & leave.
I’ve always been open & up front which is just part of who I am & there have been some crazy guys but for majority of guys, their a bit off guard that I’m honest about what I think a “date”‘is & isn’t and even when it’s not a match, some are still friends. I know I’m blessed w advantages but I’ve never used looks for dating because I had a stalker for years (started at 16 yrs of age) that attempted to kill me & eventually was arrested when I was 18 & had just lost my father who I was very close too (my mother & I have not had any closeness & because I had no siblings I was extremely alone).
I admit I use to model periodically but I moved to a completely new area (the furtherest I could afford to fly too & knew no one at all. I had to focus on me & what I valued in life. It wasn’t easy, people can be manipulative & I spent years trusting my faith & knowing my own value.
All people have difficult periods & some of us survive repeated tragedies that ultimately make us stronger. It’s sink or swim. I just knew that I needed to get through parts of my life as best I could & learn from mistakes. I seem to know I needed to be strong on my own before I could offer enough to another person.
I admit it would have been easier to have someone around for guidance but I knew what my dad taught me to value & found mentors periodically.
I loved your video about excuses… and I loved your very funny ice bucket challenge! I really love all the videos that you do. I enjoyed getting to meet your very handsome and gracious Father in a recent video. I loved finding out that you learned so very much about relating to people etc. from what he spoke into your life along the way. Good job Dad! I feel so fortunate to have access to you and to all of your wonderful insights into relationships and learning to be your personal best in every situation with every person. Getting all relationships down cold is the most attractive concept to me. I want to grow in this kind of way and become my very best. Thank you for all that you do to get all of us “there.” :D
Bat shit crazy!!!! Hahahaha! That is so hilarious, yet true!
I HAVE A QUESTION:
In your video you said that after the first part of the date, when you see that you don’t like the person, you can make an excuse to leave, for example that you have work to do or something like that. Do you think that is a better way than telling the truth, that you don’t like the person enough?
Because I also make excuses most of the time because I don’t want to hurt the person with saying that I don’t like them. But then I often have the problem that the person doesn’t get it and asks me out for another time. And when I say I have no time, he asks me another time.. So my question is, how can I tell the truth without being too unfriendly? Sometimes I meet people I like and I have a few dates with them but then I feel like I don’t want it any more and that they are not right for me. But they still like me and I don’t know what to say to them without hurting them. It would be okay for me to see these people in a group, like with some other friends, but not like on a date with just the two of us. I hope you can help me!
Hi Diana this happens to me too, it happens to all at least once. In my personal opinion im a very direct person. And making up excuses most of the time are more hard than to say the truth. Everybody likes the truth obviously not in a harsh way but i think you should go out with that guy again and after tell him that you are interested in maintaining a friendship with him, that you arent interested the way he is in you. And that tbh you were making up excuses to not go on a date with him. You wanna just hang out and be friends and that you dont want him out of your life. That he is handsome and has alot of good things but that he just isnt the perfect man for you. And you arent the perfect fit for him, thats its better to be friends and find mutual love and atraction in others. Idk if i helped but to be honest in a non hurtful way helps him understand and keep beggin, you know?
* and not keep beggin
Awesome video!! Couldn’t agree with you more…but only because I learned the hard way. Years ago, I went out on a first date with a guy who was “bat shit crazy” and I was stuck until dinner was over. I have never agreed to dinner as a first date (unless I already know the person) since. Very, very good advice Matt!!
Would you please delete my both comments? The one on January 28 2015 and this one that I’m writing. I tried to delete my comments but I am not able to do it. Please delete this comment and the one on January.
Thank you
Hiya, Matthew! Okay, so a simple adjustment like splitting your first dates into thirds make so much sense! Cheers for this. Instead of having your “911/just in case call” ready to go at a certain hour, just test things out for the first third of the date at one venue…till you move to tier two…or not.
Such a simple yet powerful rule! Focusing on being present and genuinely enjoying the moment really takes the pressure off. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to impress, but your advice to just relax and connect naturally is so refreshing. This mindset makes the whole experience more authentic and enjoyable. Thanks for this reminder, Matthew!
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